Dear Thelma: Sad and lonely without friends to help me

starlifestyle_1204_THELMA_OVERTHINKER _azb

Over the years, from my days as a teenager to adulthood, this question always comes to mind: Was there ever an issue for this to happen or was I the one to blame? Countless times, I've wallowed in self-pity and doubt.

When it comes to making friends, I've never had an issue with that. People have found me friendly and approachable. Whenever they needed someone to talk to, I was always there, providing a shoulder to cry on.

I find it rather strange that whenever someone needed my help or support, I was always there for them, no matter what and without any hesitation unless my gut feeling told me otherwise. But it was not the same when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

Somehow, despite having had meaningful conversations with them, they grow distant or have nothing to do with me at all after that. Some of them are my closest friends.

I used to think that probably everyone is busy with their own lives as working adults, and dealing with issues we don't discuss.

It's either they don't have the time or they say they'd get back to me but, most of the time, they never do.

I feel lonely as I don't have anyone to confide in.

Am I overthinking it all or is something really amiss?

Little Overthinker

This is a very interesting question, and there is a range of possibilities to consider.

When we go through a tough patch, the person who helps us is a source of comfort. However, we also identify them with the issue. So, when the problem is over, the helper can become an uncomfortable reminder of pain. We don't like to be reminded of that, so we avoid them.

In addition, we tend to let our guard down in times of crisis, sharing extremely personal thoughts and feelings that we'd normally keep secret.

When all is well again, we look back and feel shy about showing our vulnerable side to another person.

This is particularly difficult for people who pride themselves on strength. They see opening up as weakness. Very often, they refuse to think it over. Instead, they simply shut down. Because of this, they might choose to pretend to forget it ever happened.

Therapy centres on talking about difficult things. For it to work, the client has to reveal their vulnerabilities. It can feel one-sided

sometimes, and that's not ideal! Therefore, the therapist will sometimes share a personal bit of information, just to bring a bit more balance to the give and take.

I can't tell what's going on in your life; however, if you think one of more of these issues apply, then tweaking your listening style will help. When you're listening, make sure you share back a bit, so that both people in the conversation have shared a bit of vulnerability.

Also, after the crisis is over, step back for a few weeks. Just quietly efface yourself, pretend you're busy. After a suitable time, text them with a cheery suggestion for a meet. Hopefully, time will allow the other issues to die away naturally.

Having said that, I am a little concerned that your closest friends just disappear. Friends do drop in and out of our lives but if you're seeing a constant stream of disappearances, then it pays to examine the issue more closely.

Usually, solid friendships are based on a shared liking for an activity as well as compatible attitudes. Plus, you need to meet up regularly enough so you maintain the connection.

Why not make a list to see where you're at? Then use that as a basis to socialise. So, if you and Alice like skating, call and suggest an afternoon at the rink. If you and Tim love cake, meet for coffee. (After the movement control order!)

Make it easy for them to meet you and be sure to focus on having fun. Avoid meaningful conversation; just connect in a light and positive way. You can get into a deeper connection once you've built up a more solid foundation.

If they still blow you off, book a chat with a therapist or life coach to discuss how you make friends, where you lose friends, and see if there's something else going on.

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