I am a single man in my 30s. A few months ago, I met a girl (a foreigner) while eating in a restaurant. She was a waitress there. I have talked to her briefly while ordering or making payments.
I tried to talk to her more but she seemed to draw back. I don’t know her name.
Not long after, she left and found another job. I unexpectedly saw her at her new place of work while driving by. Since then, I have been driving past the place frequently just to catch a glimpse of her.
I tried to approach her just to talk but she seemed to avoid me. I’m afraid that I’ll make her uncomfortable and she’ll really avoid me if I actually approach her. I feel anxious just thinking about it.
I do wish to talk to her. What should I do? Please advise.
Thank you. – Lost
Thank you for writing in on this issue. It’s a common one and should be discussed more.
You saw a woman you like and she gave you a cue: she drew back and now she’s avoiding you. It’s a signal she doesn’t want to engage.
You saw the signal but did not understand it. That’s common and I believe it is due to legacy thinking.
If this were 1926, you would show interest, she’d be coy, and after you chased her around a bit, your families would arrange a meeting – with a view that if it went well, marriage was next.
Because in the old days, a show of shyness was considered a sign of virtue in ladies. Similarly, a show of persistence was considered a sign of sincerity in gentlemen.
Those days are long gone but the idea that a “nice girl” plays hard to get continues. Maybe it’s because those manners continued until the times of our grandparents.
Modern manners are different.
Today, it’s fine to chat, flirt or ask for a date but if we aren’t interested, we can say so.
However, rejection is never easy. We worry about hurting feelings and so we chicken out from saying so directly and politely.
In your situation, there is an extra factor at play: In food and beverage (F&B), smiling, chatting and looking interested is part of the job.
This is because happy customers spend more. They also return and bring their friends, which translates as even more business.
This creates a situation where some F&B staff feel they cannot speak up when a customer’s behaviour becomes uncomfortable.
An unhappy customer may not leave a tip and may not return, costing the business money.
Worse, if the customer complains, an unscrupulous F&B owner may fire the member of staff.
It’s worth noting that foreign workers are particularly vulnerable as they pay a lot of money to relocate and get a work visa. An upset customer can mean not just losing a job but all their investment too.
Your issue is therefore a common one. It’s been well-known for some years that customers don’t understand the dynamics, which leads to uncomfortable situations.
Happily, Gen Z are tackling this by advocating a new attitude to dealing with F&B and other frontline workers. Modern manners mean we act pleasantly and leave flirting and romantic chat out of our business transactions.
While I love it, my view is that should you be a regular customer, and you like someone, it’s okay to ask if they are interested in a date.
Here’s how it works.
If you are chatting and they seem withdrawn, it’s a sign they want to keep it professional, so don’t ask.
If they smile and chat back, it’s okay to ask once, quietly and privately.
If they decline, accept it immediately and without questions.
Then move on. It stings a little, but that passes.
Again, thank you for writing in on such an interesting subject, and I hope that the next girl you like returns your interest – or maybe someone will ask you out!
