I’m a woman in my 30s, and I’m writing this because I truly need guidance. Emotionally, I’m very confused right now, and I feel it’s important to express my situation clearly.
To begin with, I want to share my history with my ex, D. We were supposed to get married, but he cancelled the wedding just one day before the ROM (Registration of Marriage).
His decision was strongly influenced by his family, and although it caused me deep emotional pain, we continued the relationship.
Last year, when I lost my mother, he was present during my lowest moments. He supported my family and me, and I’m grateful for that.
But as time passed, I started to question how long I could remain in a relationship without emotional security or a clear future.
Whenever I tried to talk about marriage, whether directly or indirectly, I could see him struggling to make a firm decision because his family still refuses to accept me.
I’ve always been honest with him: I cannot live in a joint family, especially knowing his family is completely against me. But he continues to keep the idea of joint family living in mind, almost denying the reality of the situation.
This leaves me feeling unsafe, unsure and emotionally unstable. I don’t know how long I can stay in a relationship where I am not fully accepted, where the family is always an obstacle, and where he himself cannot take a stand.
Hence, I’ve already cut ties. He made no effort to get me back. No call, no real initiative, only a good morning text maybe once a week. It’s clear his feelings for me have faded, and I am not his priority anymore.
On the other hand, there is another man with whom I started talking, P, who has shown interest but in a way that confuses me. He says he is okay with whatever decision I make, but his lifestyle seems very individually structured.
He has an organised, solo life, which is not wrong, but I worry that he may not be ready for the responsibilities that come with marriage, family or children.
During our serious conversations, he talked more about wanting a travel partner and doing things to make the partner happy.
But when I brought up the topic of kids and long-term responsibilities, he went quiet. It feels like marriage is a second priority for him.
I also notice I am the one putting in most of the communication effort. I call him first most of the time. He returns my calls only when he misses them. He only reaches out if I don’t call him for two days. It makes me question if this is how someone who is truly ready for a relationship behaves.
Right now, I feel stuck between a painful past and an uncertain present. Neither situation is giving me the emotional security or clarity I need.
I don’t want to make a rushed decision or one driven by loneliness. I want to make the right choice for myself, one that brings stability and peace.
I would truly appreciate your honest advice on how to move forward.
Feeling stuck
Thank you for writing in on this difficult topic. I’ll comment on your story and will make some suggestions for you to move forward.
Your relationship with D is clear. He had the opportunity to marry you, and he rejected it. I’m afraid, my dear, it’s over.
P wants someone to travel with but he is silent on the topic of marriage and kids. That’s clear too: he doesn’t want that.
From your letter, you want marriage and kids. That’s fine, but you are chasing men who do not share your goal. This means you are wasting your love and energy.
So, let’s start with a rethink.
Focus on these questions: First, what do you want from your marriage? Second, how should you view potential partners?
Regarding marriage, you mention stability and peace, which suggests you feel alone or anxious, but you don’t mention shared goals or connection.
I think you will benefit from considering what kind of marriage you want.
Some people look at marriage as a family arrangement. In arranged marriages it is the family that approves of partners. The focus is typically on religion or economic status.
It can work if everyone likes each other, shares the same values, and opts in. But it can backfire if the people involved feel pressured into the relationship.
I suspect D comes from this kind of background. He will not marry unless his family approves his choice. He should have told you this straight up. Not doing so is unkind of him.
Romantic marriages are built on emotional connection, love between two people.
It works well for those who have a common vision of what a good life looks like. But it can backfire if they love each other but don’t share the same values, lifestyles and goals.
Finally, companion marriages prioritise emotional support and companionship. They’re usually clearer about roles and expectations, so warmer than arranged marriages but more focused on practicalities than romantic marriages.
I think P might fit this. He wants a companion, a friend. And he wants to travel. You don’t want that. You want marriage and kids. You two have different goals.
Again, P should have been straight up with you. Just staying silent is not enough; he needs to make a clear statement.
Now for you, see that in all these different approaches, there is a common theme – the couple has to agree on their role in the relationship, and define their idea of a happy life.
The idea of a “happy life” varies wildly! It includes everyday matters such as how the housework is divided and what kind of social life you have, to whether you have kids and how you manage money.
I think that you must figure out exactly what you want. Once you know, you can talk terms with a potential partner and see if he is a good match for you.
Now, let’s talk about how we should view potential partners. From your letter, you just keep pushing, even when the men seem reluctant or even turn back from a planned wedding at the last minute. Frankly, that is not sensible.
A sensible woman knows what she wants, is open about it and finds a good match. That is a person we share values with, who shares our view of a good life, and whom we feel love for.
She also recognises people have different needs and that’s okay.
So please, in the future, you want to hear an enthusiastic yes. If you don’t get that, stop. And when you hear a silence or a no, accept it, respect it and move on. There is no point in trying to change someone.
In your situation, a few hours of therapy will help you untangle your thoughts and set you on a more useful path so you can find your good match. So consider talking to a professional, someone with a Master’s Degree in Counselling.
With a tweak in your thinking, you will know what you want and I’m sure you’ll find it. Again, thank you for writing, and good luck. You deserve happiness.
