I’m a 33-year-old divorcee whose re-entry into the dating pool happened entirely by chance. Now, I am stuck in what the youths might call a “situationship” – a term I learned after a lot of distressed Internet searches.
I had no intention of dating again, but found unexpected chemistry in a coworker of a similar age. We work closely together and, during busy periods, just the two of us often end up doing overtime in the office.
The proximity and late nights have accelerated the emotional intensity; I have known him for half a year and in that time we speak and text every day.
He also initiates what I interpret to be “boyfriend behaviour”, such as constantly inviting me out for drinks, asking me to stay over, buying me dinner, updating me about his day when we are off, texting me when he’s home from work, and so on.
All of this led to me thinking that he, too, wanted something more out of our relationship. However, when I confessed to him, he flatly said he was not looking to date.
Not only did I feel played and confused, but the boyfriend behaviours persisted even after he turned me down. I have actually confronted him about it and learned that to him, we have “cleared up the misunderstanding and can go back to being good friends”.
But to me, it is a great source of emotional turmoil, to the point where seeing him at work feels unbearable. It has caused me anxiety even when I’m away from the office and made me consider resigning from this job, which I love, excel at, and have poured most of my time and energy into following my divorce. I hate that he cannot see that.
I do not understand why this man, who claims to be uninterested in me, would continue stringing me along.
In the immediate days following the rejection, I considered many possibilities, including ones bordering on conspiracy theories, such as all of this being a big, coordinated joke at my expense.
However, I know reality is far more simple: I am dealing with someone who is not intentionally being malicious, who thinks that the situation has been cleanly resolved while refusing to see my side of the story.
He has lamented that our work schedule leaves him with little time to spend with friends or family, which gives me the impression that he currently relies on me for emotional support – but is unable or unwilling to meet my needs in return.
Some days, I feel like I am to blame for continuing to allow this because he, too, has become an important friend to me.
Most importantly, all of this leaves me unable to heal. Despite everything, each intimate moment leaves me hoping that one day he will change his mind.
My brain tells me I am being ridiculous, and that I would not want to be in a relationship with someone like this even if he did change his mind.
My heart says otherwise and still longs for him despite my best efforts. I have tried setting boundaries, such as no longer going on one-on-one outings with him and dialling back on the texting, but I cannot completely remove him from my life because we work together.
Thelma, please give me some advice on what to do in this situation. Should I just bite the bullet and resign to get this person out of my life?
– In distress
I’m very sorry you’ve found yourself in this difficult position. In the past, we dated and if that worked well, we married and had kids.
Today there are different options – even in conservative Malaysia. People no longer automatically choose the traditional path.
Your problem is that you believed you were in a traditional trajectory. You are looking for more. He has made it clear that he does not.
Reading between the lines, you would not have started seeing him if you knew this.
However, you think he did not intentionally deceive you.
He has told you how he wants to live. It’s this and nothing else.
He’s enjoying it and he’s not alone. Situationships are common because they’re perceived as flexible.
Frankly, I think young adults enjoy exploring their likes and dislikes in this way, but as you sort what works for you, the less attractive sides of situationships appear.
Lack of clarity leads to disappointment when expectations are not met. Also, connection leads to emotional dependency without the stability of a committed partnership. Therefore, a longer situationship is likely to lead to uncertainty and stress.
This is where you are. You want commitment and he will not give it. You cannot stay because the mismatch will be a constant strain.
Worse, if you keep on seeing this man, you will miss opportunities for meeting men who do want to commit.
In short, I think your instinct is correct. Acknowledge you want different things from your relationship. Break it off. Stop texting, stop talking except for where you have to for your work, and start dating.
This time, make sure you are matched in your expectations. Check explicitly that commitment is on the table.
Also, if I may make a second suggestion: Don’t date at work. As you’ve found, mixing work and romance leads to unnecessary complications.
Breaking it off will hurt because you’ve spent six months growing an emotional connection.
But as you learned this, you can unlearn it. Just remember: Staying won’t just end up with more hurt, it will stop you from finding the match you yearn for.
So go for it, and I hope you find happiness soon. I’ll be thinking of you.
