A: I understand how frustrating dating can feel sometimes, especially when you feel like you’ve been putting yourself out there over and over again. Feelings of frustration are valid.
My first question is this: Are you putting yourself out there in a productive way? Are you on two dating sites? (My recommendation is two, and if that feels overwhelming, then I would rather you use one actively versus more than one passively.) Are you reaching out to people, in addition to seeing who likes you?
Are you maintaining those conversations, asking questions and setting up dates? Are you going to three in-person events every month? (Ideas: speed dating, comedy shows, art classes, anything that interests you.) Are you saying yes to everything you can – birthday parties, set-ups, anything that increases your chance of connection?
Now that we’ve gotten some strategy out of the way, I want to give you a pep talk:
Every single day is the day before you might meet someone amazing, so you do have to continue putting yourself out there if you want to give yourself the best chance to meet somebody.
As long as you stay open, the possibility exists. I’ve heard so many stories of people who wanted to cancel first dates – tiredness, sickness, laziness, indifference, you name it – who soldiered on and met the person of their dreams.
One of my clients, Rachel, was ready to give up. She had been on 27 first dates in a year and was exhausted. The apps felt like a part-time job, and nothing was clicking. She told me she was going to delete everything that weekend, but I convinced her to respond to just one last message before she did.
She reluctantly agreed... and that message turned into a conversation, which turned into a date the following Tuesday. That Tuesday night guy? They just got back from a trip to Italy... together. We just never know.
All of that said, I also want you to live your life as if you are not going to meet that person. Have full friendships and hobbies and creative outlets. Don’t wait to do the things that you want to do, like travel and learn, just because you don’t have a partner right now.
Doing that will help you feel like you don’t have a lack in your life... and, in turn, it will make you more confident and interesting if and when you do meet that person.
And even if you do meet this person, a question I often get is, “How do I have hope that something will last?”
I want you to take a step back and think about how you define success. Is success a relationship that lasts, for some arbitrary period of time (forever?), or is it happiness? Is it longevity, or is it knowing when to end something that isn’t right for you?
There is no answer to this question because we don’t know if something will last until, well, it does. And there are still no guarantees.
But trust that if you’ve found great connections before (that did “last” for some period of time), you will find great connections again. Some will be shorter and some will be longer. The “right” person might not be the “forever” person.
And maybe that’s OK, because with each situation, we learn and grow into a more complete version of ourselves, one who knows what they want and deserve. – Tribune News Service
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating.
