Dear Thelma: I am depressed, socially awkward and feel so lost

str2_ahb_ HEARTSOUL_lost teen1_0504

I recently graduated from secondary school and sat for the SPM exam.

The trauma I experienced during primary school was carried over to secondary school, which was another rocky journey for me. Some of those experiences have been etched in my heart. But, I know, all human beings are bound to get hurt and scarred sometimes, and will fall, rise, hate, feel anger, and eventually learn how to love.

I am a socially awkward girl, feeling self-conscious whenever I interact with people, and I am self-aware when the situation is stuffy. I’ve felt a lot of things in my life, from feeling lost, to knowing some certainty, from despising something so much, and learning to let go, to forgiving myself, moving on, and most importantly, experiencing what life has given me, which I am grateful for. There are so many things I have learnt, from the people whom I’ve met, and from the good and the bad.

I fell into this deep, dark hole of depression when I was in Form 4. I was so petrified of people that I could not attend school; I could not bear to see the faces that I would see every day. Eventually, I dropped out of school but still managed to sit for the SPM.

Something was very wrong but I could not pinpoint what it was. Right now, I genuinely do not know who I am, or what I want. I’ve tried talking to my parents about this. My mother is the type who would want me to listen to her, rather than listen to what I want to do. I feel so lost. I know there is no one who can save me except myself.

I feel that I am not in control of my life. So, what is the point of doing something? Why did I even bother waking up today?

I am aware that it is I who need to do something. Why are we here, living and breathing, but at the same time, life is just not what it seems to be? When I try to look for answers, they are there, but I just persistently feel so lost.

Chocolate Cupcake

Not connecting with people to the point of dropping out and feeling lost sounds as if you have depression and/or anxiety issues. If you are suicidal, go to the Accident and Emergency department of a public hospital and ask to be assessed by a psychiatrist.

If you’re not suicidal, then try these strategies.

First, show this article to your mum. From your letter, you trust her, and it’s worth trying to talk to her again so you have her support on this.

Second, put your experience in perspective.

Going to school should be a good experience where you meet lots of other kids and study under the guidance of supportive adults. Sadly, it’s often a stressful experience where kids worry if they’re popular or not, failing at exams, at life, and with adults who are emotionally unavailable.

It’s a shame when school doesn’t pan out. But there is an upside: a lot of life is challenging. To thrive in school, in the workplace and in life, you need to connect with others and cope with stress.

From your description, you aren’t doing either. So, I suggest you talk to a mental health professional. With the Covid-19 emergency going on, you can’t go out. However, you can arrange for phone or video-streaming sessions.

You need to be assessed properly for depression and anxiety first, so be certain you’re talking to someone with at least a Masters in Psychology or Counselling.

Ask your school counsellor if they’ll help. If you don’t have a professional at your school, look for an NGO or talk to your local council. You can also ask your family doctor to refer you.

After you’ve been assessed (it’s just a conversation), work on these two goals: learning to make friends, and finding better ways of coping with challenges.

To boost your overall happiness, also take up some activities you love. Ideally, one is to relax (yoga, working out, cooking, reading, etc) and the other is to be social (hiking, plogging, a group sport, an art class etc). Clearly, you can’t do this now but you can plan for when the movement control order is over.

As you’ve finished your SPM, you will be moving on to your young adult phase in life. You will go to college or get your first job.

Either way, that means new experiences, new opportunities and new friends. Discuss this in your sessions and take it as a great new start to build the kind of life you want for yourself.

Note: Colleges have free counsellors. If you’ve already enrolled, make an appointment!

Finally, and I mean this to be constructive, look at the language you use to describe your situation. You’re feeling vulnerable and need a bit of help finding your way. That’s OK. Most of us feel that way at some point. It’s good that you’re reaching out. However, you write as if you’re in a soap opera. I don’t think that is healthy.

So, tone down the language, and go make those calls.

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