Dear Thelma: Why are all the guys I meet only interested in sex?

THELMA_LOOKING FOR BOYFRIEND_ach

I am a 21-year-old girl studying for a degree. I had always wanted to have a long-term, normal relationship.

Before starting university, I studied in a girls' school for 11 years. I can count the number of my male friends on both hands.

Most of my friends entered into relationships when they were 18 years old and have remained in those relationships till now.

I felt pressured when they said they were eager to know how my boyfriend would look like and they would compare their boyfriends with mine.

I started to use dating apps since I was 19 and slowly began socialising with guys. At first, I was innocent and believed everything they said, and always dreamed of a perfect relationship with the ideal boyfriend.

I hung out with a lot of guys in the past two years but after the first date, everything stopped. The guys would not reach out to me again.

Why is it like that? Is it because I cannot give what they wanted (such as sex, money, other benefits)?

After a while, I got used to meeting any guy just once, so I didn't feel sad anymore.

There is a guy I met online whom l've liked a lot for a year now and I still stalk his social media accounts. We met up three or four times but he didn't seem serious about the relationship; he insisted that he only wanted to have sex with me. I rejected that.

After that, he didn't reply my messages and accept my calls. Do all guys just want a girlfriend to have sex with, and then change girlfriends every few months to try something new?

My friends didn't tell me if they lost their virginity, and I don't want to know. I am tired of guys approaching me to ask if I have been in a relationship before, just to ask if I have lost my virginity. When I say I am a virgin, they continuously pursue me to have sex – and when they can't get what they want, they just disappear from my life.

Why is it so difficult to find a guy to just have a simple relationship?

I believe that sex after marriage is better because I want to give my future husband the gift.

I'm still using dating apps. I am aware of the way they ask me questions as I have met a lot of similar types.

I don't know how to make a real relationship happen.

I think a good age to get married is 33 but people can't believe it when I tell them that. They say that is too old and it's dangerous to have a baby when someone is in their 30s.

Could you help me?

Undefined Life

---

Dear Undefined Life,

If your object is marriage, then dating is about seeing what kind of person you want to marry eventually. If you marry someone whom you are not happy with, you will be miserable. Therefore, marriage is about picking the right partner for you, it's nothing to do with age.

Your friends will make their own relationship choices but it has nothing to do with you. Stop comparing yourself to them. As for the notion that having a baby in your 30s is dangerous – what a load of rubbish. Whoever says such stuff is either dumb or trying to scare you. Either way, give those people a wide berth.

When dating to find a life partner, you need to consider life stages. At 16, you are in school and adults decide pretty much everything you do, from what you study and what you eat and when you go to bed. At 18, you start becoming an adult and you begin making some decisions for yourself. But usually, your finances and studies are still controlled and directed by other people.

At 22 to 24, you get a job and that's when you become a true adult who makes decisions about her life and is learning to become totally responsible for herself. It's a scary time and most people fall down and have to be picked up – by their older relatives and good friends.

It's not until you've had your first job and moved a step up the career ladder that you become fully comfortable in your own skin. That's usually around 26 to 30.

As you mature, you will also change a lot in your attitudes and beliefs. Therefore, the kind of person you date when you're 16 is often a completely different type of person than the one who makes you happy at 22 and 26.

My advice is to befriend as many people as you can, to date lightly and to focus on getting to know yourself and your needs. When you date, see what kind of things you like and don't like in partners. Refine your choices as you mature.

Note that being able to break off a relationship because it's not working for you is a vital life skill. It's painful but there's no point in sticking to a person who isn't a good match. So expect to date, break up, and date again, until you find someone you can build a happy life with.

Also, focus on building a career. If you have financial independence, you are free to do as you like. Being independent is the biggest life gift you can give yourself. Never put yourself into a position where someone else controls everything you do.

As for the sex, yes, some people are only interested in hooking up. That's their choice. If they push for you to change your mind, take it as a sign that they're not worth your time. It's your body and your decision. If you want a virgin husband, you might also be interested in reading this.

Finally, I'd say that you need to pick your apps carefully. Avoid the hook-up apps and go for the ones that promote friendship. And join some clubs so you can meet people the old-fashioned way. Developing hobbies and interests will grow your social life, which will make you happier and more well-rounded.

Try not to fret too much. There's lots of good men out there, and the dates will come.

---

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11,46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor or e-mail [e-mail]. Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.