Dear Thelma: I want my future husband to be a virgin

I’m a 19-year-old girl who is still studying. Based on my knowledge, someone who is 19 years old is considered fully matured physically, mentally and also sexually.

In this situation, there’s one thing that is bothering me deeply. My problem is, I am searching for, or you can say that I am expecting my life partner to be a virgin.

Frankly speaking, I want my future life partner to lose his virginity to me. I’m still single (never had a boyfriend before) and am still a virgin.

I know it is hard to find such a guy in this era, all the more when I reach my 20s. But I really find it difficult to accept a guy who is not a virgin and I can’t even bring myself to imagine dating someone like that.

I’m not planning to engage in any sort of relationship for now, as I want to focus on my studies first. But I am actually scared to find a life partner, as I might not be his first. For some girls, it is OK if their partner is not a virgin but I look at this matter very seriously.

This problem has affected my friendships too. I have a best friend, A, who is a guy and both of us were very close. He has a girlfriend and I got to know that my bestie was no longer a virgin. After I found that out, I felt kind of angry, hurt, sad, betrayed, disappointed and I refused to talk to him after that.

Please help me Thelma. When I imagine that my future life partner might not be a virgin, I feel sad, angry, jealous and so on. Am I being too judgemental, possessive and egoistic for wanting a virgin guy only?


You are in charge of your own life and if you want to be a virgin and marry one, that’s fine. However, projecting these views onto your friends, and cutting them off when they don’t adopt them wholesale, is not. You have no right to decide how other people live or love.

Your personal desire for a virginal marriage isn’t unusual. People have all kinds of ideas about sex, and yours is just another viewpoint.

However, I am concerned that you use words like sadness, jealousy and anger as well as egoistic and possessive. Those are dark emotions that can be very damaging to you and the people about you.

Also, you have pinpointed virginity as a hard boundary, but that’s a problematic concept. Would you be delighted to date and marry a man who’s stopped short of penetration, but who’s enjoyed other acts of intimacy? Or who’s been in love before? What about a man who’s very social, who’s dated but who’s still on your side of the line?

As you appear to be a black and white thinker, I’m going to suggest that you’ve absorbed this hardline attitude because it gives you the illusion that you have a pattern card for judging yourself and others as “nice/nasty”.

While simple is attractive, I think you will find that most life issues are too complex to be judged in moral soundbites. Also, being excessively judgemental tends to backfire; the more you judge others, the less compassionate, patient and understanding you become. You will end up judging yourself punitively as well. It really is a very negative spiral.

I think you need to delve further into your attitudes, beliefs and motivations. I suggest you talk to a qualified professional. As sex is a hot button issue, see someone who will help you explore your thoughts without prejudice.

Start by focusing on how you lost your best friend by learning about personal boundaries and control issues. Then move on to understanding the dark emotions you associate with sex. Look for exercises that will foster your positive emotions – love, joy, charity, kindness, patience and gentleness.

As for your other question, yes, the pool of potential partners will shrink as you mature. But if virginity is a personal deal breaker, you’ll have to suck it up. You’re not the only person to want this, so there will be people who share your views.

One piece of advice I do urge you to consider is, do not simply marry the first man you come across just because he hasn’t had sex. Marriage is about partnership, about compatibility of character and life goals. If you ignore the big picture for this one issue, you risk taking on a man you cannot like or love.

And that would be a real disaster for both of you.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor or e-mail Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

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