Dear Thelma,
I have been married for a year. My married life is beautiful but, to some extent, excruciatingly painful.
The story goes back to a year ago. My wife and I met and fell in love. Many of my friends ironically said that this was a so-called “lightning marriage” but I strongly believe my love, devotion and commitment for her and for this marriage is unquestionable.
We got along well, supported each other in many things and we had a lot of happy moments.
But things got pretty messed up when it came to my pets.
I decided to take up the responsibility of owning pets a few years ago. My wife knew I had pets from the day we met because my social media accounts were full of their pictures.
Even though she admitted that she disliked dogs, she actually tried to cope with my dogs. I was so thankful for her effort. I tried to understand the reason she disliked dogs, so that I could find a way to minimise the gap. But to my shock and dismay, her dislike towards dogs is just pure hatred, without any reason.
She expressed more discontent and hatred towards my dogs as time went by. I did my best not to retaliate or argue, ultimately trying to prevent it from crossing the Rubicon. But to my dismay, things got worse recently, and quickly spiralled downwards.
She suggested disposing of my dogs, offering my dogs for adoption as well as other intentions which I am so afraid and reluctant to even think or speak about. Worse comes to worst, she even asked me to choose between her and the dogs. There were even some occasions when she threatened divorce. For the first time in my life, as a man, as shameful as it sounds, I was scared, worried, miserable, depressed and heartbroken.
I tried to talk to her, assuring her that my love for her is undivided but it’s all in vain.
Lately, I entrusted my dogs to my own family, which is a temporary resolution. But deep down I knew I was just trying to run away from the harsh reality that she wanted my dogs to be completely gone.
How foolish of me, knowing that I wouldn’t give up on my dogs but still finding excuses to hide from reality, thinking that I was doing the best for both sides.
I love my wife so much and will continue to love her as long as I can, if she lets me.Thelma, please help me, I am exhausted and suffocating, screaming deep down from the void of nothingness, for someone to at least say “everything is going to be all right”.
YH
Dear YH,
I'm afraid it is not all right. I am somewhat puzzled by aspects of your letter, so here are some thoughts.
Not everyone likes dogs, and that's OK. When dating, some non-dog people think they will learn to like them. They discover as they date that they don't. Again, that's OK.
This is why dating is so important. If it's a dealbreaker, it will come out before you commit.
I'm sorry you rushed into this relationship. (More on that in a moment.) As it is, you say your wife did try but not why it didn't work. Are your pets dangerous and did they bite her? If so, that would be understandable.
But you don't say so and you talk of them as beloved pets. Also, your family took them in, no issues, so it's highly unlikely they're dangerous dogs.
Which leads me to a concern. You say it's about pure hatred. Also, you mention that your wife wants all of your love and sees the dogs as rivals. This makes no sense at all.
Her dislike is being used as a stick to bludgeon and coerce you. This is not a calm discussion. It's all about completely dismissing your needs, your promise to your pets, and threatening the nuclear option of divorce if you don't comply.
Frankly, I don't like what I'm hearing. Love is about caring for a partner. It is about considering their happiness just as much as your own. It's about compromise, kindness and gentleness.
I don't see any love in this; therefore, I am concerned.
Perhaps there are issues you've not mentioned, but there are enough red flags here to suggest a darker issue.
My concern is that this has nothing to do with the dogs but that this is about control.
Abusive relationships typically start with a honeymoon period that includes love bombing, a rush to be intimate, and lots of talk about perfect love. But once ensnared, the victim is broken down with emotional abuse, threats, and isolated from friends, family and all other love – including pets.
This fits with your narrative that you thought you had found perfect love and now your life is hell unless you give up your fur family.
You have gone from perfect happiness to being scared, worried, miserable, depressed and heartbroken. The lure that is being held out is that if you comply, you get to be happy again.
If this is an abusive relationship, then giving up on your dog family is just the first step. The next will be a fight between your wife and someone else you love (your mum, best friend, etc) and you will be forced to choose again.
Abusers never have enough power; their business is all about making their victim miserable.
I think you need to be very careful here. Talk to your family and get their opinion. Consult your friends and find out what they think. If you can, talk to a counsellor skilled in abuse and talk it through properly.
Personally, my ethical stance is that making a commitment to pets is binding.
Pets suffer horribly when they are dumped. You would not send your children to the orphanage if a new partner doesn't like them, and I believe animals have the right to our commitment too.
In a practical manner, dumping or killing pets because of a partner's dislike is bound to boomerang on the relationship. So think deeply and carefully before you take a decision.
Already a subscriber? Log in
Get 20% OFF The Star Digital Access
Cancel anytime. Ad-free. Unlimited access with perks.
