Dear Thelma,
I was raised in an extremely conservative family. My mother has always been very strict and rude to me. To be honest, I never felt genuine love from both my parents as I always remember being mistreated for minor mistakes.
I was never allowed to wake up late – as in past 9am, during weekends or school holidays – and was always needed to do house chores and study all the time.
My mother was never close to her family or in-laws. So, I never personally knew my cousins or my relatives. I just had to study and achieve flying colours in my studies.
During university, I was never allowed to interact with boys. My parents would abuse me emotionally, accusing me of being a whore if at all I said I would enjoy going on vacation with my batchmates which consist of boys and girls.
After I completed my university studies, my parents insisted that I marry a guy of the same caste. I agreed because at that point I was already on the verge of getting out from their emotional abuse.
We had a long-distance relationship for a year before we tied the knot. I was shocked when I later realised my husband had three girlfriends before me, which he failed to let me know. I felt betrayed that he did not let me know upfront.
I was living with his entire family even though, before marriage, he promised me that we would move out and stay separately. I stayed with his family for one whole year and I had to beg him to buy a house together. He said if I wanted to stay separately, I should buy the house with my own money. I agreed. I withdrew my EPF money and bought a secondhand house; I have been paying for everything to date.
I feel overwhelmed since I don't have a day to rest, and I'm responsible for maintaining my house, my kids and my career.
At times, I just feel I need a shoulder to lean on or to cry on as I do feel stressed coping with day-to-day life. What should I do, Thelma?
Depressed
Dear Depressed,
I'm sorry you're having a bad time. Here are some thoughts towards building a more positive future.
There are two big issues here that should be tackled separately: Your current work-life balance and the effects of your childhood.
We'll start with the second issue first.
You had a loveless childhood, where you were presumed to be bad, and punished for small things. I'm so sorry to hear this.
The method you describe, called authoritarian parenting, is quite common. Sadly, people raised this way tend to be frightened of making mistakes, have inflexible or black-and-white thinking, and they often link achievement to self-esteem. It is also associated with anxiety and depression.
I don't know you, so I am speaking generally here. However, in your letter you mention that you're upset that your husband had girlfriends before you, and that he didn't tell you. Also, he shouted at you once the week after you married.
My dear, those events took place over six years ago. If it was just once, and not a pattern, it's the kind of thing couples forgive each other for.
Should he have told you about his exes? Some people chat a lot about their past, and others prefer not to share. You don't mention him cheating, so I'm wondering why you focus on this.
Being married doesn't give you the right to know every single bit of a partner's past. He's your partner, not a possession.
Possibly both these incidents bother you because you are a black-and-white thinker, inclined to believe the worst of people and looking for control.
If this resonates, please note that this is not an issue of blame! You have simply picked up on the way that your parents treated you, and are carrying their worldview with you. Just like they probably learned it from their parents.
As I said, authoritarian parenting is common. It thrived because in the short term, scaring kids into being obedient and achieving looked good. Now we know better, the style is going out of fashion. Gentle parenting was popularised as a reaction to this.
Although we know now what trouble the authoritarian style causes, many people are afraid to acknowledge the damage because they are uncomfortable with judgement.
While you will decide what you feel, I suggest that in the case where parents simply copied what was "normal" without thought, blame is not an appropriate response.
Ideally, I'd suggest you focus on change. Thankfully, we can make choices, and we can unlearn thoughts and behaviour we don't like.
Therefore, I strongly suggest you sign up for therapy to discuss how your upbringing affected you today, and to find new ways of thinking and behaving that promote being open, honest, and kind. It will help you be happier in all your relationships, and it will teach you to be kinder to yourself, too.
Secondly, there is your work-life balance. You work all week and spend weekends being a mum. You do this alone. No wonder you're stressed! Where is your husband in all of this?
Again, in the old days, it was often a given that men contributed money and not much else. Modern partnerships don't treat men like ATMs and women like babymakers and maids.
Today we recognise that life is hard, and that marriage is a partnership where parties share the work – and the love! Dads need to be with their kids as much as mums.
I suggest you sit down with your husband and have a conversation. Divide the housework down the middle, outsource some of it if you can afford it (laundry, a weekly cleaning, a few hours of babysitting) and build lives that nurture all of you.
That means you need a life of your own where you pursue your hobbies, a life as a couple where you date and connect, and a life as a family. Your husband needs to plan like this too.
I think that if you have some fun and personal time, your mood will lift and your energy will come back. Do consider that adjustments may take some time to figure out. Work on small steps and see what works for you. If necessary, talk it over in therapy.
I hope this helps. You deserve to be happy, so reach out and go for it.
Already a subscriber? Log in
Get 20% OFF The Star Digital Access
Cancel anytime. Ad-free. Unlimited access with perks.
