Dear Thelma: I'm jobless, abused by wife, and separated from kids

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Email [e-mail] or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11,46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. Please include your full name, address and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained.

The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.

The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

Those suffering from mental health issues or contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre (0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp); and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 or go to the Befrienders for a full list of numbers nationwide and operating hours, or email [e-mail]).

Dear Thelma,

I feel so sad that I have suicidal thoughts. Please help me.

I met my ex through chatline. She is from Sabah and I am from Johor.

She owed the bank for a mortgage, and was stateless, sick (pre-diabetes) and jobless. So I rescued her by marrying her quickly and paying off her debts.

We then migrated to Sydney. I couldn't find a job there but told her we could still manage on my savings and social welfare there.

After the baby was born, I decided to spend more time looking after the baby while doing casual work, because the baby was born handicapped. That's when the hitting and shouting from her got even worse than before.

She has always been violent towards me at home from our early days together but she maintains a sweet image in public.

She then lied to the Family Court and alienated me from our children (Parental Alienation). Why is she behaving like that? Just because I don't have a job means she can bash me up? Do you think I should continue to maintain a relationship with her?

PX

---

Dear PX,

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. As there are several issues, let's look at them independently.

You're suicidal, a domestic violence victim, you've been to Family Court, and your kids are alienated from you.

You and your wife are Malaysians, but you're in Australia. As the Family Court there deals with parenting disputes, separations and divorce, I'm going to assume that you are no longer living with your wife and children but that you are all in that country.

The first thing is to get help for your suicidal thoughts. Considering you are also a victim of domestic violence, the best resource is an NGO that understands.

Please note that domestic violence is often rooted in power, with the powerful person abusing a less powerful person. It's important to recognise that abuse can happen to anyone.

In the past, people talked more of men abusing women. Back then, power structures were quite different. As modern life means women have access to education and work, as well as laws to protect them, we are now seeing more cases of powerful women abusing less powerful men.The NGO Relationships Australia NSW say that they receive 24,000 reports every year from police where men are victims of domestic and family violence. So please don't be shy about stepping up and getting help.

You can call Relationships Australia, Safer Pathway, or the Domestic Violence Line, all of which deal with male victims of domestic violence. Help is free and means tested, so see what suits you best.

You need a mental health professional who will assess you for depression, talk about managing your suicidal thoughts, and then take you through abuse recovery counselling. This will include understanding how abuse works, what effect it has on victims, and working out a programme that will help you heal.

In addition, if there is a group therapy or victim's group support service, I urge you to go. Sharing your experience and listening to others will be incredibly helpful.

Should you continue a relationship with your partner? Normally, I'd suggest you walk away from a violent partner, but you have kids. Therefore, you need to be around to parent them.

You talk of your wife being violent towards you, but you don't mention her being abusive to the kids. Therefore, I take it she is good with them on the surface, even though alienating children from a parent is abusive behaviour.

First, a bit of comfort. Little kids can be influenced to dislike a parent. However, it doesn't necessarily stick. Kids grow up and are usually curious about the other parent. As adults, they don't believe everything they're told; they will make their own decisions.

In the worst-case scenario, if you don't see your kids for a while, there is a very high chance they will come looking for you later. As long as you remain as visible as you can, and contactable, it is very likely you will reconnect.

But you might be able to do so much earlier. Family Court makes decisions, but they're not written in stone. Also, as a father, you have the right to see your kids. When you go for counselling, talk it all out. Discuss options. Talk to other dads and mums who are in your position. Get legal advice.

I expect there will be a way for you to see your kids, even if it is court ordered and your wife is forced to do so under some kind of supervision. See the kids, show them who you are, and maintain a good connection.

However, do be careful. Violent women can injure and kill as easily as violent men. Take advice from the professionals, and stay safe.

I hope this helps you to move forward in an effective way. Please reach out as soon as possible. You deserve to be happy.