Dear Thelma: My daughter has turned against me, but my hubby won't get involved

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I have twins who are teenagers. Both my children are homeschooled. One of my daughters wanted to sit for SPM and the other chose SATS.

Both my hubby and I are professionals and as we don't have much time and always travelled, we engaged tutors to come to the home under my mother-in-law's supervision. The one who sat for SPM got through with flying colours but the one who did SATS failed.

The one who did SPM then took a foundation course in business. The other wanted to be a pilot. When I asked her to take SPM, she refused and insisted on retaking the SATS. She is ignoring everyone at home and locks herself in the room and only comes out for meals.

She labels me a tyrant who only wants people to listen to me. She says I only love her sister because she produced good results. She said both my hubby and I are selfish people, always gossiping and complaining about everything, and that no one likes us. Only people outside respect us on the surface. No one gets along with us, including her paternal grandma.

She said I bought an expensive branded handbag for her sis because she always does well. Well, I fulfilled her request and as promised she delivered results while the other didn't do well. I love both the same.

My mother-in-law is of no help as she watches TV dramas the whole day. Now that I am faced with this dilemma, both my hubby and his mother are not on my side. I just do not know what else I can do for this rebellious child. My mother-in-law and hubby say I am the one who wanted them to be homeschooled so I have to live with the consequences and they are washing their hands off this.

I am going to have a mental breakdown soon with the situation at home.

Desperate

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Dear Desperate,

Thank you for your very clear letter. I appreciate it must have taken a lot to write. You sign yourself off as "Desperate", and as a mum, you're at your wit's end. This may be hard to read, but please read it all the way to the end.

I believe this is not about homeschooling exactly, but rather about parenting.

Children want their parents to love them. They see their parents as all-powerful, all-knowing, and therefore their parents' love and affirmation is vital.

The message you have sent to your kids is that you love them, but only if they perform academically.

I understand that this is not true. You want the best for your kids and you love them. But with respect, what matters here is only how your kids think.

Children cannot think like adults. What they see is very simplified and not always very logical.

Your daughters' experience is that getting pass marks means handbags and praise, and not getting pass marks means failure and stigma. This is called conditional love.

Studies show that conditional love affects children in several ways. Primarily, the kids link their self-esteem to their performance.

For kids who can get results, their wellbeing becomes benchmarked on performance. They want to feel good, so they work very, very hard. In the short term, you may see lots of As.

However, as life becomes more complex, the child has to work harder and harder to achieve. They are also terrified of failure. Some refuse to do anything that they think they won't ace.

In the long run, this behaviour leads to restricted lives and people-pleasing. It is also linked to mental health conditions that include anxiety, depression and burnout.

For kids who don't get results, their self-esteem drops and they believe themselves to be failures. As they think they can't win, they become hopeless. Some may give up entirely while others become rebellious.

They still long for love, though, so they will go wherever they can get it. If they're lucky, they find a supportive community. But feeling you're a failure is also linked to mental health issues that include anxiety, depression, alcoholism, drug use, disordered eating and other issues.

In short, I believe that both your daughters are suffering from your parenting style. You have noticed the one who is suffering from thinking she's a failure because she's lashing out. But the other is just as likely to be on an unhealthy path.

So, I urge you to change your parenting style immediately. Stop linking performance to love, and start reinforcing the things that truly matter.

Praise effort instead of results. Also praise honesty, kindness, empathy, generosity and all the things you value about people.

Both your daughters will benefit from a self-esteem boost, so work on their understanding of their strengths too.

Have them develop hobbies and activities that make them feel good. This could be artistic, so they can express themselves, like painting, dancing or creative writing. Or perhaps a social sport like tennis or karate.

You may want to have a heart-to-heart with your kids, to clear the air and to assure them that you love them, no matter what. Keep it age-appropriate and understand that this is going to take time. They've had years of this, and so it won't be an overnight change.

As I said, I think you may find this hard to read. So finally, a word about you. I expect that as you read this, you will have felt various emotions. Perhaps understanding, perhaps defiance, perhaps guilt. Maybe all of that and more.

Please know that the problem of conditional love has been thoroughly debated since the 1950s and the effects of it are well accepted. Even so, your approach is not unusual, even today. There are lots of popular trends, like tiger parenting, that look good on the surface but are not recommended.

I think the best way forward for you is to google conditional love, to think it through, and then to discuss this with your husband. Work together on an approach that works for your family.

If you do have a case of the guilts, then please know I don't think it's useful to judge yourself. Parenting is not easy. Kids don't come with a manual.

Talk to someone you trust who is not judgemental, or book a few sessions with a mental health practitioner. But most of all, talk to your family and get onto a happier path.

I hope this helps. I'm rooting for you.