Dear Thelma: We're of different races and she's much older than me

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Dear Thelma,

I am in love with girl who is much older than me but I don't know if I have the strength to fight against culture and family in order to marry her.

She's Chinese and I'm Indian.

The age gap is a nuisance. If only the age gap were smaller, it might be easier.

We have known each other for three weeks and we like each other. We text each other every single day and often met up these past few days. We hold hands when we walk. I've even kissed her and it's all going fine.

Both our families don't know anything about us. She's not bothered about her family knowing and they are not bothered about her decisions.

On my end, I'm worried that my family, relatives, and society will not agree with me. Two reasons: she's of a different race and older than me by seven years.

I need help and guidance.

SA

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Dear SA,

I'm delighted you've found a person you enjoy holding hands with, and sharing kisses. So here are the issues: age difference and race.

A seven-year age gap can be nothing or huge; it depends on what stage of development you are in. Sometimes, it can be hard to see this.

An easy example is that an adult of 22 has very little in common with a child of 15. Everyone knows this is just not right.

A less obvious example is that a person at 19 has very little in common with a person at 26. Technically, they are both adults. Usually, the 19-year-old feels very grown-up.

However, the younger person is just out of school, just learning to be an adult, and has only a little teenage love interest experience. The older person has been through college, likely has had several partners, and has worked and lived independently.

So you see, although they're both grownups, it's as much of a mismatch in terms of experience as the 22- and 15-year-olds.

Given that we change so much when we're young, I suggest that people aged 19 to 30 should date people who are within two or three years of their own age. And, those aged 16 to 18 should date within one year of their own age.

You don't say how old you are, but from your letter, I think you are very young. If you are, I strongly suggest you say a friendly goodbye, and look for partners your own age.

About the race issue: you think your family are very much against it but you don't say why. It may be that they are racist, or they may have a practical concern.

Either way, many people of different faiths and cultures have joyful, successful partnerships. But it is trickier because in addition to being on the same page in terms of career, kids, money, and so on, there will be cultural differences.

There are obvious things, like what do we do for Deepavali and Chinese New Year? And the little things you may not think about at first. Like, you will have different cuisines. When you live together, those differences can cause friction.

Because marriage is difficult, and cultural differences make it even more difficult, some people try to avoid it. If this is your family's issue, you can talk it out. If they are racist, it may be trickier.

Only you can decide what matters. For some people, family approval is necessary. For others, it's not. Most of the time, it's more complicated. It may be that you want your parents to approve, but you don't care what your other relatives think.

In addition, families sometimes object to a cross-cultural marriage in principle, but accept it in practice. They may change their mind when they get to know your partner, or they may love you so much that they put your happiness first.

Normally, I'd suggest that you find support from one family member and take it from there. But frankly, I think you're jumping the gun.

As you've only dated three weeks, you know very little about each other. Holding hands and a kiss is hardly a solid basis for a lifelong partnership of 50 years or more.

I suspect you are currently crushing. In terms of a new passion, we talk of limerence (a crushing obsession with another person – an intense romantic infatuation), the time where your hormones and emotions rule. It's followed by a more clearheaded stage where you actively build trust and figure out if you can be happy together.

Limerence runs anywhere between a few months and a few years, but a rule of thumb is that this kind of sparkle lasts about two years.

So, I strongly suggest that (a) you date someone in your own age group, and (b) you follow the adage, marry in haste, repent at leisure.

Date, and don't rush. Figure out what you want, how you feel about your family needs and your own needs, and take decisions only when you are certain you're going to be happy with your choices.

Good luck, and let me know how it works out.