Dear Thelma: My siblings and I quarrel a lot and my parents are too busy to care

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Email [e-mail] or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11,46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. Please include your full name, address and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained.

The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.

The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

Those suffering from mental health issues or contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre (0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp); and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 or go to The Befrienders for a full list of numbers nationwide and operating hours, or email [e-mail]).

Dear Thelma,

I’m 17, and the youngest of three siblings.

Sometimes I feel like my family members do not care about me.

My siblings and I tend to argue a lot. And my parents are always busy with their work and do not have time for me.

I'm also usually on my computer and go to bed late almost every night.

I have self-harmed numerous times, to cope.

I'm having an exam now, and it's really hard to manage studying and being shunned by my family. Even though I have friends from school, I don't know how to tell them what is happening at home and I feel that they think I’m emotionally unstable at times.

My mother has also brought me to see the school counsellor and psychologist but it made me feel worse.

All this has been happening for about six years now.

What can I do to solve this problem?

Crying In Silence

---

Dear Crying In Silence,

I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad time. Please consider that although you sometimes feel low and alone, your family have sought help for you, which proves they love you and want the best for you. Please comfort yourself with that.

As for friends, and fears that they might judge, please know that anxiety among Malaysian teens is extremely common. In a pre-pandemic study, 4 out of 10 Malaysian teens were reported to be suffering from anxiety. With all the tumult of the last two years, it's an educated guess that this number has soared. So you're not alone.

Now to the meat of the issue. Self-harm is a way of coping with strong feelings. It's quite a common stress reaction, and it can run to cutting, burning, punching and other behaviours. It can be a very frightening feeling.

As you are self-harming, the first thing to do is to have a good chat with your mum. Bring her up to date, and then consult a professional.

You say that seeing the school counsellor and psychologist made you feel worse. You don't say why, but if you didn't like their style, don't worry. Everyone is different and it's quite common not to click. Just ask them to refer you to someone else. As you are self-harming, you need to speak to a person who has at least a Masters Degree in Psychology or Counselling.

Once you find someone you can work with, your priorities should be to make sure you know where to get immediate help when you are in crisis, and to make a long-term management plan too.

For the short-term, kick off by asking what in the past has worked for you. Are you still doing those things? If not, add them back into the routine.

Then work out a crisis management plan. This should include details of free national helplines, as well as members of your family, trusted family and friends you can ask for support. Add in emergency departments at the hospital.

You can do most of that with your mum but you might want your new mental health practitioner to help with that too.

For the long-term management, you will need to schedule a therapy session.

Start by seeing if there is anything in particular that triggers you. For this, you may need to keep a mood diary. Often, it's a combination of energy level and trigger, like being tired and knowing you have a pile of work.

Analyse exactly what is going on. Note: this may take several sessions to pin down.

Once you have all the background, your mental health practitioner will explain various helpful therapy techniques to help you tackle the issues you have highlighted. See what works for you and then start making effective changes.

Please note that you've had this problem for six years. As this is a long-term issue, don't expect an instant change. Be kind to yourself and remember this is a learning curve. Just keep at it, and you will get good results.

And that brings us to the bigger picture. I strongly recommend that you also make some lifestyle changes.

Be aware that there is a mind-body connection. If you neglect your health, it's going to bite you. So eat properly, that means plenty of veg and fruit, and do some exercise every day.

In addition, staying up till all hours fuels stress. Create a proper routine that ensures you get enough sleep. An important part of this is to wind down gradually at the end of the day. Ideally, you get through your homework after school, and then spend some time relaxing.

Most importantly, studies show that blue light from computers and phones stimulate the brain and may interfere with sleep. So put your phone and laptop away at least an hour before bedtime. To unwind, read a (paper) book, go for a walk, play with your pets, have a shower, and go to bed nice and relaxed.

I hope this rough guide to getting started helps. Please start straight away by reaching out to your mum. You deserve to be happy.