Dear Thelma: He says he loves me but he also has feelings for another girl

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Dear Thelma,

I am in love with someone but I don't know if he loves me too or if he's just taking me for a ride.

We are both in our late 20s.

For about a year now, he calls me every day and we go out on weekends, unless we are working or he is away in his hometown, Johor. I'm in Petaling Jaya.

He says he loves me too but I am not so sure if his love in genuine or if he just wants to reel me in to sleep with me.You see, I recently came to know that he has also been paying attention to another girl, who is only 18. Surely it can't be love, right?

My friends have told me to forget about him as they claim that he is a player and a flirt. But he has been only nice to me. He makes me feel loved, he is kind, and we have a lot of fun together.

He doesn't introduce me to other people as his girlfriend, though. But I regard him as my boyfriend, at least among my friends.

When I ask him about the other girl, he says he likes her as a friend and cares for her a lot as she is a "nice kid" who is estranged from her father and "just needs someone – a man – to talk about her problems with".

He recently admitted that he is confused about his feelings for her. When I asked him what he meant by "confused", he asked me to give him time to "sort out" his feelings. Where does that leave me? Am I a fool for hanging on and hoping he chooses me? Is he just stringing us both along? Please tell me what to do.

Confused and heartbroken

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Dear Confused and Heartbroken,

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. From your letter, I see three distinct issues: you call him your boyfriend but he doesn't call you his girlfriend; he says he loves you but you think it may be a ruse as he wants to have sex; there is a potential third person in the mix.

You've been dating for a year, so you have had lots of time to get to know each other. You have feelings for him, and from the amount of time you've spent together, I think it's the perfect time to see where you stand.

Last issue first: he is in his late 20s and there's an 18-year-old woman who looks up to him. She's vulnerable, he says, as she's looking for a father figure. While technically this young woman is an adult, she's also a very young adult. At her age, a 10-year age gap is too much.

Your friend may be flattered by the attention. He may also confuse that sense of being important and influential with romantic feelings. Please remind him that he and she are at completely different stages in development. He can be an elder brother, or young uncle, to this young adult, but he should knock the romance idea on the head. It's inappropriate.

Having said that, this may be a sign that he isn't ready to commit. Only he can see into his heart, so he has to have a good think about what he wants from his future. We will get to how that might work in a moment.

First, a word for you. Do you trust this man? I'm concerned that after a whole year of dating, you still wonder if he's after sex or whether he truly has feelings for you.

A year seems an awful lot of time to invest for a one-night stand, but I may be wrong. Also, he was open and honest about his feelings, even though it upset you. He is clearly a person who isn't afraid of difficult conversations. That's admirable too.

But you hesitate, and that worries me. Why do your friends call him a player? Is there something going on that you haven't mentioned? Like wild parties, him disappearing for days, women calling you to say he's their lover? I think you need to figure out what's going on.

Plainly, if you can't trust him, then there's no point in going any further. Should this be the case, be honest with him so he knows there's no future in your romantic relationship, and find a man you do trust.

Should you decide you do trust him, my advice is for both of you to set down some clear ideas of what you want so you can see if your life goals are aligned.

Basic questions to ask are these. Do you want marriage? Do you want kids? If yes, how many? What does your career mean to you? If you plan to parent, who stays at home as primary caregiver and takes the hit on the career? Do you intend to have your finances together or separate? Who does what housework tasks? Do you want to buy a home or rent? Will you live in KL or Johor or do you plan to move? When you are 60, how do you visualise your retirement?

People with different life goals and styles can be happy together, but issues like kids and where you live tend to be deal-breakers. So be honest with yourself.

Should you not gel, that's OK. You will come out of this with a very good life-long friend and you will both be clear about what you need from your future partners.

But, if you two share life goals, check out the first question. At the moment, you talk of a relationship and it seems as though you're close, but you feel uncertain as he's not committing.

Put a deadline on it! Tell him to think it through, but on XYZ date he either commits or calls it quits. If you want marriage and kids, there will need to be a second deadline for that so you don't miss the boat.

This won't be a quick or one-time conversation, so expect to have several chats. You both deserve happiness, so be open with each other and be honest, but also be kind.