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Dear Thelma,
Last year was my first year in college, I fell in love with my coursemate and eventually we dated after three months of talking and calling. We dated for three months exactly.
This girl was perfect for me; she was everything I had wished for, in personality and looks. She was my type of girl.
But after we broke up, she wanted to be friends. I agreed but I told her that it wouldn't mean I wouldn't try to get her back. The relationship was the best I could ever have; for the first time I felt loved genuinely by my significant other.
We had our fair share of disagreements. After we broke up, we slowly realised that we should've talked our problems through properly instead of ending the relationship.
I'm an emotional person, and whenever we fight, I'd tear up. I always felt like I was weak, because of public views that boys need to suck everything up like a man and deal with life.
After we broke up, we still talked. Actually, we broke up at the end of last year, on the day after our "month-sary". I always felt like something was going to happen, from the way she talked to me. She told me that our relationship wasn't good as she felt we weren't compatible, but this wasn't even the reason.
Nearing Christmas, we had initially planned to go out while we were still together as she was coming to KL for a family trip of four days. So after the breakup she asked if we could still go out. I was fine with that as it was going out as just friends, but I had a motive that maybe I could convince her to get back together.
So the day came and we went out, we had a "date" – it was purely like friends that day. After we went back, at night we texted and she told me that she wanted us to go out as if we were still together. That moment I regretted so much that I hadn't done that.
The next day was Winter Solstice and my mother had made tang yuan.I figured that maybe I could see her one last time since she was still in KL, so I'd send the tang yuan after dinner to her hotel. I told her about it and she said let's just go out for dinner so that her parents wouldn't suspect anything. We went out for steamboat. This time, we held hands and walked like a couple.
At the end of the date, we finally took a picture together; that's the only picture we have of us. Our whole relationship was basically online and a LDR (long-distance relationship) due to Covid. I told her that I wanted her back and she said that she'd think about it.
As time went by, she told me that actually she hadn't got over her ex and that she somehow kept thinking of him and that my actions reminded her of him.
They had dated for 3.5 years, were from the same hometown, Johor, and he was her senior by two years. Eventually, in the last year, he had to move to Singapore for studies and work. They kept the relationship until she said that the LDR wasn't working anymore and she felt tired and suffocated by the distance. She described the relationship as "nearly perfect".
To me, I always felt that relationship she had was the best, and I guess I couldn't compete. But later I found out that both me and her ex are very similar in personality.
On New Year's day, she told me "I still love him" and that's where the conversation ended and I started to text her coldly, and felt I had to move on.
Little did I know, he came back from Singapore for a while and told her it was his last day.
She went out with him to give him the present which she had prepared a long time ago. They went out that night as friends and told him about me and her.
He said he'd be away for at least six years and was happy that someone was able to make her happy.
Both her ex and I want her to be happy, and we felt that the other was better for her.
We still called and texted each other until before Chinese New Year. I told her that maybe I should just leave and move on, and she could have him and live happily like before.
She felt that getting back with him wouldn't be the same as before and might risk another breakup. She also said I should stay and wait for her to think about it and that she still wanted me in her life. I agreed.
So I just waited, and am still waiting.
We talked, called, and watched movies and Netflix together until before CNY, as she would be busy with family and friends during CNY. She reassured me that she'd text me when she could.
On the sixth day of CNY, I felt something was off – she wasn't as enthusiastic as before when talking to me.
The pieces of the puzzle slowly came together. I found out that every time he is conveniently around, she'd go running back to him. We might be progressing at a steady pace and I'd be thinking this might be the chance to get back together – and then it all goes back to square one when he comes. She just treats me differently after that. Yet, I feel this girl is worth fighting for; I really want her. I just feel it's so unfair that I never got to have a proper relationship with her and that we were always online and we couldn't even date physically.
If what we had was still going on and when she comes to KL in April, we'd be able to finally date properly. I have so many plans for us if we get back together, but now I'm left in the cold again. This is so painful.
I know she's suffering in this dilemma too.
I love her and and I don't want to lose her. I want to keep fighting for this.
Dear Lost,
Thank you for writing such a clear and detailed account. It gave me a clear idea of events and your thoughts. So here are my thoughts.
You had a crush on a girl and had a brief relationship. Part of it was lovely, but it didn't go very smoothly. In those few weeks, you were already quarrelling.
That's an important point. Relationships evolve over time, so when you're with someone for many years, there will be great parts and less good parts. This is why long-term relationships sometimes need a bit of work.
But if you are quarrelling and you've only just started dating, it's a sign you're not a good fit. Is it a problem? No. In fact, at your age, it's a good thing.
Building a solid relationship is a complex task that requires knowing yourself, your needs, and learning communication and other skills. So dating is really a learning curve.
Generally speaking, it takes several short relationships to figure out what you really like, what you don't like, and what kinds of things you need to work on for yourself.
Your first relationship gave you some insights, and that's awesome.
What is not awesome is that when you broke up, you decided to ignore your ex's wishes and pursue her anyway.
In fiction, men pursue women who don't want them and it's romantic. In real life it's disrespectful at least, and to the victim, this behaviour can be frightening.
So add this to your learning curve: when a woman says no, you respect this and move on.
As for the rest, I suggest this: a caring person takes care of their own emotions and is respectful of other people's emotions as well.
You have had weeks of not knowing whether you are in a relationship or not, while this lady is making up her mind. From your letter, you've been up, down, hurt, uncertain, and more.
This is not right! A caring, respectful adult either commits or declines. They do not leave you hanging around while they figure out if there is a better prospect on the cards elsewhere.
Your ex is very young, so she is probably inexperienced and thoughtless rather than actively uncaring or disrespectful. Apart from making up her mind, she should have had these conversations with her friends, her mum, a relative, her therapist – anyone except for you.
One side effect of all this drama is that you feel you need to fight for her. With respect, that's nonsense. She is not a prize to be won by persistence. Again, that's great for fiction but, in real life, good relationships are based on mutual love and respect. It's not a Hunger Games exercise.
So please adjust your ideas about romance and base them on what is thoughtful, empathetic and respectful to yourself and to others, OK?
I appreciate you will be feeling a bit raw now. You're young so don't waste any more time worrying about this. Accept what happened as a rough experience, learn from it, and leave the emo and drama behind you.
The bottom line is that you are not a good match.
Move on. Accept that you will have lots of crushes, and all the emotions that go with it – from joy and excitement to friction and grief – are part of the journey. You will figure out over time what you want from a partner, and you will grow your relationships skills too.
There are lots of fabulous women out there, so please have fun. And let me know how you get on.
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