Dear Thelma: My husband wants both me and his mistress

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Dear Thelma,

I am a married woman with two young children.

During the first few years, we lived with my in-laws. It was a time of adjustment and a very difficult one at that.

When I was pregnant with my second child, my husband and I moved out to a rented place.

While I was busy alone running the home, with one kid and coping with my second pregnancy, my husband had something else on his mind.

Within a year of me delivering my second baby, my husband started spending more time outside the home. He got to know a woman who was a few years older than us.

My daughter was two years old when I found out about their extramarital affair. My life was turned upside-down.

I confronted my husband, and he assured me that this won't be repeated.

I was in depression for about two months.

It prompted me to keep a constant check on him, which I never did before.

My husband then started drinking and smoking. He constantly told me lies about his whereabouts.

One fine day, about four months later, I got the evidence that he was still in touch with that woman, who has two teenaged sons.

He openly admitted to having an affair though he realised they didn't have a future together.

So, after his broken promises, I started distancing myself from him.

Also, I messaged the woman's husband with proof that his wife was interfering in my married life. He didn't take any action but instead accused me of creating tensions in their marriage.

One day, this lady told me that my husband had been telling her that I was a very difficult woman and he was seeking a divorce. In actual fact, it was I who mentioned divorce but he never agreed to it.

When we got home, he said that he would live with me but still continue loving her. I was taken aback by his shamelessness and told him to get out of my life.

I said he could divorce me if he was not happy with me but he rejected the idea.

I also asked him to see a counsellor but he refused.

We still live under the same roof but we lead separate lives. Even with him around, these couple of years, I have been living my life all alone. It is agony being alone although married.

That woman seems to have brainwashed him to such an extent that I just don't feel he is the same person that I married. I have lost trust in and respect for him.

Recently, he broke down and cried inconsolably, saying that he feels torn between both of us.

I simply don't know how to take this forward. I am extremely exhausted and cannot bear the loneliness anymore.

Three's a crowd

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My dear, I am so sorry. What an awful situation to be in. Here are some thoughts on how to make a decision that suits you best, plus a caution.

Your husband decided to cheat. Often, this is not a deal-breaker. We all do amazingly silly and awful things sometimes, and therefore we can choose to forgive and forget.

However, he did not take this as a wake-up call for change. Instead, he continued cheating. He won't seek help and tells you he does not aim to change.

Your options are these two extremes: you can do nothing and continue as you are, or you can walk away right now. Frankly, neither looks too good as the first means a lot of pain and the second may leave you homeless and without money.

I suggest that if your end goal is to be independent, and to parent your kids together as much as possible, you should take a middle path: stay as you are for now but plan to leave. Do it in small, manageable steps.

You may want to divorce at some point, but don't do this in anger. Stay married for now but separate your finances and your obligations to each other. You can decide what you want to do about your marriage when you are more settled.

You will have to make some tough decisions because you have two young kids. So, you'll have to plan who has them from day to day, who pays for what, where you'll live, and so on.

Also, you will need to plan your own life. That means a job with an income, and a savings and retirement plan.

While you work out what needs to happen, I strongly suggest you are cautious. Normally when a marriage falls apart and there are kids involved, I recommend open communication with an open heart. Because you're both parents and you should be looking for win-win.

However, and I don't say this lightly, I don't think your husband can be trusted to be honest or open. He has lied and cheated for months at a time. He has also told you flat out that he is going to carry on as he is.

You called it shameless, and I think you're right. It suggests he is selfish, and that he has zero respect for you.

Therefore, I urge you to leave the negotiations for your separation to a professional. That means a lawyer who works for you. It will save you from heartache, and is more likely to result in an agreement that he will respect and stick to.

Also, I urge you not to just follow convention where you become responsible for all the child-rearing and have him provide a bit of money.

If he has a career, it may be best for him to remain in your home and take over the care of the kids while you move out and work on getting your career together. You need not move far away, and then you can see the kids for weekends and part of the holidays.

Please do consider this carefully. Too many ladies end up juggling kids and several jobs while their ex is out and about, spending money on his pleasures instead of his dependent children. When you plan, think long-term for you as well as what the kids need. Take legal advice, and protect yourself as much as you can.

In addition: your kids are small now, so you can expect their needs to evolve as they grow. Your situation and your husband's situation will change over time too. Therefore, a custody and finance arrangement that works now, will need to be adjusted every few years.

As this will take some thought and planning, and is bound to raise a lot of emotions, consider getting yourself a therapist. Look for a person who can support you through the decision-making process without prejudice. Also ask her to help you make a support network list of friends and family, and learn a few stress-busting techniques.

Again, I am so very sorry you're in this situation. I wish you the best of luck.