Dear Thelma,
I’m a lost man in my late 30s with a very young kid and an infant. I have a dull relationship with my wife; it is mutually agreed that we no longer have any noticeable love or feelings for each other but just a legal marriage status on paper.
We haven’t even been intimate much in the past few years, even before our first kid was born. And if it happens, it’s probably a need that arose from me, and a sense of obligation from her, and it’s a quick one, nothing like those days when we were dating.
It doesn’t help that I’m working overseas at a place my wife grew up in. Hence, she has her circle of close childhood friends, family and relatives, but I only have her with literally zero close friends that I can meet when I need to.
To make things worse, I also find it hard to make new friends in the current work-centric environment.
I can’t help but feel helpless and bored as I have no friends or love but am all by myself apart from my kids whom I love very much. Even worse so during this pandemic where I can’t return home to see my own family and friends for two to three years now.
Since the pandemic, I tried to take some courses and spend more time to bond with my kids whom I cherish. The courses made me stressed. The kids’ love is great as it is the only place I find love. But something is missing. I’m not sure if it’s because of these, but I don’t feel love at home so I started seeking excitement outside to spice up my life.
I managed to find a few partners but felt guilty and I believe it’s cheating. Knowing I have a family and responsibilities as a father yet I lied to get to know new female friends, but I had to hide my marital status or I’d never be able to get to know someone new.
Only with this, I get to feel the intimacy that I have long lost and yearned for.
Also through these, I can build close rapport with them and share my career ambitions, stress and work politics in my professional career, leisure activities and sports, gastronomic and globetrotting experiences with them – something which is long missing from my wife apart from gastronomic experiences, not without the kids.
I wouldn’t get to share these and release my stress, feelings, or libido had I told any of them about my marital status.But deep within me I felt bad. I struggled to hide my status and had to cheat about who I live with, where I am from, and other stuff.
Sometimes I may fall for them or indirectly cause them to fall for me due to our intimate relationship. I two- or triple-timed occasionally. In the end, I had to hurt them or went ghosting when I realised we were getting in too deep or when I knew I would be exposed. I wanted to avoid further trouble and continue to seek new friends.
These friends are just my companions (whether sexual or not), friends with benefits/ no strings attached, or even girlfriend if they wish, all without them knowing my status.
I blame all this on my dull marriage, stressful career, heavy family commitment in terms of finance and care required for kids, and also a society that hardly accepts married men as new close friends.
I don’t wish to divorce my wife or break up my family with my lovable kids and for financial reasons. I’m thinking of forever doing this hiding of new girlfriends and stick to my family but not sure if it’s feasible in the long run as I grow older.
I don’t like my current lifestyle as I have to hide and live in worry of exposure, lack of close friends to have heart-to-heart talks, lack of adrenaline rush like intimacy and cuddles to relieve and spice up my boring sex life.
But am I right? I’m confused if I myself am at fault but am I to blame? How can I approach this for the good of my kids and myself? Am I selfish?
My wife is busy enough with the kids. She doesn’t really need sex or love from me as she complained I suck at it.
Lost Man
Marriage doesn’t always work out, especially cross-cultural relationships where you move abroad. However, you chose to cheat.
You don’t say if your wife has agreed to your affairs. However, you lie to your partners. They think they have a relationship with a single man. You trick them into investing in a relationship that can only end in heartache.
This is selfish and it is why you feel terrible. It is your conscience telling you that you are behaving badly.
Therefore, I strongly suggest you pull yourself together and start living an honest life.
You have three main problems: you don’t enjoy your marriage; you are not happy living abroad; you believe your career to be stressful.
These are all common issues, which is a comfort because it means you will be able to get lots of input.
As you are a parent, your kids need to come first. Your youngest is an infant, so you have to be an active dad until they are adults. That means working with your wife and both your extended families.
It does not mean you need to continue in the relationship as it is.
You say money is the reason you don’t want to divorce. Consider that income is variable and that costs change over time, too. A financial plan will help determine what you can do and when.
But I suggest you start with deciding an end goal. What exactly do you want for yourself in five years’ time when the kids are at school for much of the day? And when the kids are grown, where do you want to be?
As they’re growing up, do you want a separation and to live a single life? Or do you see yourself finding a more compatible partner?
If you were free to date, would you stay in that country or do you want to go home? Would a career change help?
As for the kids, do you want them to grow up in one country or two? Where are the schools better, and do they have support systems?
Lay out all the options, and see what you want. Then talk it all over with your wife. She will need to think about her options too, asking the same questions.
Whatever you do, the plan will have to be adapted as your kids grow up. That can be a boon, as it means easing out of this life and into a new one. You can learn along the way what works best.
For example, you may start with separate bedrooms and leading open but separate lives as you both parent your baby and toddler.
You can separate your finances slowly, and build up independent lives as you go along. Then, when the kids go to school, you might move to your own place and share custody down the middle.
Some couples separate but stay married while the kids are underage. You might also stay together for now but work up to a point where you divorce.
Ideally, you work out a plan that will suit you both. If you think you will argue, hire a mediator or a couples counsellor.
Normally, I’d suggest legal advice too. However, as you are from different countries, figuring out what laws and rights apply can be complicated and very expensive.
To be practical, I urge you to be sensible. Put the kids first, and make a pact with your wife that you two are kind to each other.
Try to get through this as lightly as you can. Aim for an agreement that you’ve reached in good faith, and that is as fair as possible to you all.
Give a little, take a little, and above all, make sure the kids are as happy and settled as possible. When you do the right thing, you will feel better about yourself as well.
Good luck, and let me know how it goes. I’ll be thinking of you all.
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