Dear Thelma: I gave her everything but she dumped me

thelma_drained_ach

I had been dating this girl for about 15 months. From the beginning, I already knew she was hard to love. We met online. She hurt me countless time and I shed tears.When she asked for things, I gave because I love her: Job, room, car, money, time, love, space, understanding.Whenever and whatever she asked, I gave, no matter what. Yet she questioned whether she could trust me with her future.

Perhaps I was too easily swayed. I changed jobs, rooms, routines, even the car because it would give us an advantage in the future.

But it was never enough for her. I was never enough.

We even argued that my shirt was too dull for dates. It was faded but not dull. I even went to the extent of eating RM3 meals a day for a month to save up for our “anniversary”. It was a one-time thing and I accepted the consequences.

After one year, she still found petty stuff to argue about.

I chose her above all. I lost my friends and my family’s trust, time, money, love and everything because of my decision.

She hurt, criticised, insulted, ignored me – and then dumped me.

As a matter of fact, I knew she was harmful to me. Yet after all this, I still love her to death. I accepted suffering for her.

When she hurt me, I always believed there was a higher force watching, that God was watching, and perhaps she might come to understand what I was going through.

I held on to a hope that was later shattered.

Was I simply asking the wrong girl? Am I an idiot? Have I trusted God too much?

I felt so stupid picking love over everything.

Feeling stupid

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Dear Feeling Stupid,

What you describe is a very common situation. While it comes under the umbrella of abusive relationships, this kind of trap comes from trying to satisfy a person who cannot be satisfied.

In a healthy relationship, people make adjustments. Like they may change jobs in order to get different hours or to relocate. However, once that is done, both partners are happy.

With a person who can’t be fulfilled, they simply move on to ‘needing’ something else. And they keep upping the ante. You could change every single part of your life and it wouldn’t be enough.

If you like metaphors, this is like throwing your coin into a well. You work hard to get the coin but as soon as you throw it into the water, you’re back to nothing.

Why do people get stuck in this dark cycle? Usually, there are several things going on. Part of it is the false belief that if you could just do something a little bit different, you would get your reward: Perfect Love and Living Happily Ever After.

You see this in romances all the time. The hero struggles and fails three times and then he wins the princess. Real life isn’t like that. In a healthy relationship, the prince doesn’t have to ‘win’ love; the princess gives it freely and lovingly.

As I said, this toxic cycle is really common. Now, some people get into one and then realise what they’re getting sucked into. They see they’re in an impossible situation and walk away. It’s not easy but they do it.

Typical wake-up calls don’t come instantly. Often, they build up gradually.

For example, the first time you make a sacrifice for a loved one and have it thrown in your face or ignored, you chalk it up to a misunderstanding. Perhaps you do so the second time as well. But the third time, the truth becomes clear and you realise you can’t ever be good enough.

With being hurt, it’s the same. The first time can be a misunderstanding or a bit of bad temper. But by the third time, you realise your partner simply doesn’t care about your feelings. That’s when you don’t walk, you run!

A super hot red flag is when your friends and family become estranged.

Now, some families are horrible and you should ignore whatever they say. But if you have a loving family and a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, then anyone interfering with that is a real problem.

I’m not sure why you didn’t get a wake-up call but I’m concerned at your idea that being abused is a piety test. I think you should ask yourself where that came from.

You might also consider typical reasons people fall into abuse cycles, including: growing up with abusive parents, feeling as if you don’t deserve love, feeling as though you need to prove something, and feeling as though you need to rescue someone. It could also be plain bad luck.

Given that your ex controlled you using financial abuse and emotional abuse strategies that included humiliation and gaslighting, I think you need to have a chat with a mental health practitioner who works in the area of emotional abuse.

The reason I’m suggesting professional help is because we’re getting a lot better at understanding abuse but too many people still blame the victim, especially when the victim is a boy.

It’s incredibly cruel but there is still this crazy idea that men are tough and capable and that they should not make mistakes. So when men are in trouble, they feel they can’t ask for help. I suspect that is why you signed yourself off as ‘feeling stupid’. You’re not stupid, you just got sucked into a bad relationship. That’s called being human.

So, be sensible and get some professional help. Over a few sessions, ask yourself why you didn’t see the red flags and why you didn’t walk away when she first started hurting you. Look at your other relationships past and present to see if there is a pattern. If there is, work out how you can effect positive change.

Also, read! Read books by psychologists and psychiatrists who have studied this and who have decades of practice at helping people. Read widely, read critically. The more you know, the better.

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