Dear Thelma,
There's a lot of tension in my marriage due to how my wife is spoiling our kids.
We've been married about 15 years.
The children are 11 and eight years old. Basically, they are good kids.
The problem is, my wife would do anything for them, and the result is that they are too dependent on her. She would even go to the extent of doing chores which they should be doing, when they say they have too much homework to do, or they are tired.
My children love her but, at the same time, treat her like a maid. It pains me to see that.
She also readily gives them extra money – over and above their pocket money/ weekly allowance that I give them – as soon as they ask!
I think she indulges them too much.
I don't want her to be like a maid in our home, and neither do I want the kids to grow up feeling entitled.
However, when I bring this issue up for discussion, she gets all riled up and defensive. To maintain peace and quiet in the home, I just shut up, although I do feel very disappointed that she won't listen to me.
I've tried many times to help her see that her actions are going to backfire in the kids' lives and may cause them to develop unhealthy attitudes. But she takes it lightly and gives excuses for her actions.
Because of this issue, our relationship is going nowhere. I really miss the old her, before the kids came along.
I suspect that she may be getting advice from someone on the outside. So nowadays, when she goes out, she won't say where she's going or with whom and for what purpose. There have been times when she came home after several hours, and all the while I was worried about her.
What's worse, my older child is now following her example. After school, he would just go out, as and when he pleases, without telling me or my wife.
Since my wife won't listen to me, what should I do? Please help me.
Worried sick
Dear Worried,
A little indulgence here and there is what makes childhoods magical, but I agree that your situation sounds extreme.
From your letter, your children are taught that they can do what they like.
As little kids are vulnerable, I'm very worried too. There are gangs that prey on kids, and heaven knows what kind of people your child is in with.
What I'm also curious about is your helplessness. You speak to your wife about the dangers, but when she huffs, you give up. You say it's because you prefer quiet.
Really? You're OK with your kids being brought up to be entitled, disrespectful and acting in downright dangerous ways because you want to avoid a quarrel with your wife?
For goodness' sake, gather your courage. You're a dad, which means you are responsible too. Stop wringing your hands, step up and start co-parenting.
The role of parents is to teach their kids to be independent adults. The way your kids are going, they're headed for real trouble. So sit your wife down and start talking.
Basic parenting isn't rocket science. Kids need guiding into sensible and rewarding behaviour and habits. This means offering structure and very clear rules. They need to do their job (going to school), to help with age-appropriate chores and to have lots of fun.
They need lots of love, validation and support – especially when they fail. Failing and struggling is good stuff because life is difficult sometimes. Knowing that a bit of struggle is OK is a very helpful lesson.
Also, they need to learn that being deliberately naughty comes with logical consequences and loss of privileges. Like, if they toss soya sauce around the kitchen, they do the clean-up and video games are out of bounds for a while.
Beyond these basics, you will have many disagreements about the nuts and bolts of parenting. That's perfectly OK because parents rarely agree 100% with each other.
The thing is, you two need to communicate and come to an agreement you can both live with. And from now on, you split the job between you.
As this has been going on for some 11 years, I suggest that you consult a therapist, one who specialises in family therapy and child/preteen psychology. Tell her what's going on, and figure out how to approach your wife. Then you'll need to talk together as a couple in a few sessions.
Note: For this kind of issue, some people do it all with one therapist while others prefer separate professionals (a "his" and "hers" and "ours"). There's no convention, so it's up to you what works for you.
I'm afraid this will not be easy, because your wife will be resistant to change and the kids will kick too. When you've had your own way for years, the last thing you want to do is chores and being responsible. So expect tantrums but hang in there. Painful as it is now, it's better than having the kids run wild when they're older and when consequences are much harsher.
In addition, there is the disconnect between you and your wife. With all the lack of communication, it sounds as if your marriage has broken down. During the couples session, I hope you two can work yourselves back into a better relationship.
Whatever happens, though, you are a dad and that comes with a duty. So put your foot down and help nurture your kids into becoming sensible, healthy, independent adults.
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.
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