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Those suffering from mental health issues or contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre (0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp); and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 or go to befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia for a full list of numbers nationwide and operating hours, or email sam@befrienders.org.my).
Dear Thelma,
I was never lucky in my love life when I was young. It was either I liked the guy and he didn't like me, or vice versa. There was this guy whom I liked, and one day he called me for a date. On our second date, we had a great time and our first kiss. After that, he did not contact me, as though he had vanished into thin air. It was hard for me to let go as he was always on my mind even after I had got married.
We reconnected after 30 years via Facebook. He is also married. We are in different countries. We continue to keep in touch and talk about things that happened 30 years ago. We find that we still have feelings for each other. Since then, we have been messaging each other daily and made a promise to meet up when the borders open.
No one knows about our relationship. Since then, he has always been on my mind. If I do not receive a message from him for a day, my mood will be down. Seeing his name pop up on my phone screen just makes my day.
He is always the first person on my mind whenever I have news to share, whether good or bad. My husband comes second. The feelings that he gave me, I have never felt with my husband even during our courting days.My husband and I live in different states because of my work. I am not able to travel home anyway because of the lockdown. I video-call my husband every day, more out of obligation than because I miss him.
I know it is not a healthy relationship and I don't see a future with this guy because both of us are married. But I just can't help missing him every day. I have been asking myself what and how this happened to me. Is this a sign of a change of heart?
Lost & found
Dear Lost & Found,
Thirty years ago, you were out and about, dating. It was hit and miss, but one particular date stood out. After a kiss, the boy promptly vanished.
From your letter, the younger you took this very personally. You were excited about the kiss and excited about the boy. So when he vanished, you worried about it, and carried that worry with you. That's thoroughly normal. Young adults who are ghosted often wonder if they've done something to deserve being treated this way.
Now you are adult, common sense should point you the right way. It is rude to ghost someone; the blame goes to the person who vanishes.
Adults are respectful of each other and communicate clearly. However, kids get a pass. As you were both young, and teens and young adults often aren't good about communicating, it should have been put into perspective years ago.
Unfortunately, the youthful you convinced yourself that you missed out on a huge romance. And although you kept dating and found love and marriage, a part of you kept hold of that idea.
All of us retreat into happy fantasy in order to avoid thinking about everyday troubles. When the kids are screaming for attention, the boss is being a pain, or we're just fed up, we reach for the what-ifs.
For some, it's thinking that they should have studied for a different career, or gone to a different country. For you, you imagined that life would have been different if only that boy hadn't ghosted you.
These flights of fantasy are just part of how we manage our stress. It's harmless make-believe. But when your old crush popped up again, you took it as a chance for a third date. He reciprocated, and currently you are having an emotional affair over social media.
And this is where the problem lies. This is not right. This emotional intimacy should be for your marriage, not an outsider. What you are doing is a form of cheating.
You say you aren't close to your spouse but you can't see a future with the other man. With respect, it is not a matter of swapping out one for the other.
You made a commitment when you married. If you don't want to continue that relationship, that's OK, but you should be honest. Either commit and make it work or end it.
Your thoughts are clearly leaning towards walking but I suggest you think long and hard. You're away from home, away from each other, and there's the stress of the pandemic.
People do some very silly things when they're lonely. My concern is that you are feeling guilty over your emotional affair and talking yourself into believing your marriage wasn't meant to be.
So while only you know if your marriage works for you, I think your feelings about this online affair need urgent rethinking. Maybe there is a connection. But common sense says you had two dates and a kiss 30 years ago. It's not exactly a foundation for romance. Also, he now has a wife and family.
People who have affairs often talk about how lovely it would be to be a couple. But reality can be rather different.
Not only does he have a wife and kids, but it is entirely possible that this man in another country is just enjoying having a woman be infatuated with him.
So think this over very carefully, and perhaps talk it over in a safe space offered by a mental health professional. But if you want my personal take, I'd say don't rush into breaking up your marriage because of a bit of chat over the Internet during a pandemic. Decisions taken on the basis of very little solid information and in challenging circumstances rarely work out well.
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