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Those suffering from problems can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 / 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999 / 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre (0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp); and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 or go to befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia for a full list of numbers nationwide and operating hours, or email sam@befrienders.org.my).
Dear Thelma,
My heart is broken. We've been together for four years but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells – she gets angry over some of my "mistakes", and things can get ugly when things do not go her way.
She says things that hurt my feelings, like calling me an idiot, saying I have no heart, am a dull person, or saying she hates me or I'm an eyesore for making those "mistakes".
She gets angry when I don't respond immediately whenever she calls. Or if I can't understand what she means or what she says. Overall, I have to be very attentive, if not I'll be in trouble.
There was one time when her family was around, I was saving my phone memory by transferring some pictures or videos into my hard drive, which included some of our pictures and videos together.
When she realised what I was doing, she got very upset with me, her reason being that the pictures and videos were meant to be in my phone so I could view them whenever I wanted to.
After a heated exchange, I brought up a past incident of her hitting me when she was out of control, and asked what if she injured me with a knife or something in the future? The moment I said this, without hesitation, she went to the kitchen drawer, took out a fruit knife and slammed it on the table in front of me!
I was totally shocked, even though the knife had a plastic cover over it. Luckily, her dad was there and quickly stopped her, or else I really can't imagine what would have happened to me.
The most recent one was when my aunt just passed away. I had no clear idea about the funeral procedure then. When my girlfriend asked me about it and I simply replied I wasn't sure, she got upset. She said she hated me and I'm an eyesore, in front of her family.
I felt annoyed and asked her what was going on with her. She shot back and said I kept everything to myself and didn't tell her anything. I explained I wasn't even sure about the details yet, so how was I supposed to tell her? When I told her to control her temper, she got more upset and demanded that I leave her house. Even her family was shocked to see her behave like this.
Her dad stepped in to break up our fight and tried to stop her, but she never calmed down and even yelled at me to shut up when I told her to control herself and stop being like a child. Even though I didn't leave as she demanded, still I felt my heart sink. I couldn't even look at her nor did I want to talk to her.
A few months ago, I lost my dad due to lung cancer. I'm still dealing with my loss, and now I'm receiving this kind of treatment. I'm really tired and don't have the heart to continue this anymore.
Dear Jacky,
Reading your letter, my heart sank. Stripped of details, it is very clear what is happening. You must devote all your attention to her, or you are punished. If you don't do exactly as she wants, she unleashes a torrent of nasty names, which is emotional abuse. She has even used physical violence.
My dear, you are in an abusive relationship.
In healthy relationships there may be quarrels, but there is respect, love and the assumption that both parties need to be happy. Power is shared, and both partners have a say in how the relationship works.
In an abusive relationship, the abuser wants power. All of it. They ride roughshod over their victim, grinding them down by yelling at them, calling them names, humiliating them, scaring them, and by exhausting them in endless manufactured arguments.
Yes, I said manufactured arguments. Abusers make up fights simply to drain their victims. For example, demanding you know how funerals work and punishing you for not having details, was a particularly cruel instance of how that works. You were not at fault; she just wanted an excuse to hurt you. While you were grieving for your dad, too.
You can see how debilitating abuse is by examining your own situation. You are so beaten down and discouraged, that all you can think about is appeasing this woman. You work all day, and you're suggesting that you become her servant because she has convinced you that you are worthless.
Leave. Immediately. Don't walk, run. Get as far away from this person as you can, and cut her out of your life completely. You owe her absolutely nothing. So just go.
As this has been going on for a while, I urge you to speak to a mental health professional so that you can understand how abuse works, why people get sucked in, how this relationship has affected you in detail, and how you can heal from it. It's a process and it will take you some months to get back to a healthy you.
Understand that this is no fault of yours. Abusers are very good at ensnaring victims.
Also, please do not fall into the trap of trying couples counselling. Couples counselling is for people who are looking for a win-win resolution to issues or to promote communication, understanding and intimacy. They're good people looking for solutions. As abusive partners are not interested in any of that, they only want power, they hijack sessions and will use them against you.
If this woman wants to change, she has to choose to do so and she has to make arrangements by herself to seek a mental health practitioner to help her. But you can't be involved in that. It's her path, not yours.
So get away from this woman, heal, and move on to find a partner who will love you and respect you. You deserve happiness.
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