Dear Thelma: We recently married but our marriage is already in the doldrums

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Dear Thelma,

I got married recently but life doesn't seem beautiful. Every now and then I wonder if I've made the wrong choice to get married.

Prior to marriage, I already had doubts about our relationship. We don't seem to connect on many levels – in terms of interests, understanding, intelligence. I think we dated because we were both at the age where we were ready to settle down with someone.

He is a good person, a very nice person, but I think we make each other miserable. At times, when we are on good terms, I feel bored. We can't even communicate like friends. I am the one doing the talking 95% of the time. And even then, we can't seem to communicate. We are just like chicken and duck – we are just never in sync.

Recently, I had a miscarriage. It was traumatising. He didn't realise how much it affected me mentally. On the second day, he couldn't accompany me for a half-day getaway trip because he had a favour to do for his sibling. I was so distraught. He couldn't understand why I was so depressed since miscarriage is common, while I could not understand why he was not able to understand and how could I not be his priority during a time like this.

Prior to the diagnosis, I was feeling unwell, thinking it's a severe menstrual cramp. I asked him to prepare a simple lunch. Later he got really upset with me because I wasn't at the table waiting. I was horrified that he could get upset with me when I was feeling unwell and he did not even mention that lunch was ready.

Of course we talk, but I don't think we can ever understand each other.

I don't know what to do, Thelma. A close friend, who reads your column very frequently, told me to write to you some time ago before my marriage. Please advise me.

Distraught

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Dear Distraught,

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, and I'm very sorry about your miscarriage.

When relationships break down, the way forward is to remember what created the original bond and to rekindle that. With the foundation back in place, the couple communicates and builds new, healthy habits to reinforce the positives of the relationship.

You say you haven't ever had a foundation because you married because of your age. However, I get the sense that this is not an arranged marriage, or a practical business-like arrangement. From your letter, you are looking for love, a companion who shares your feelings, thoughts and needs, a romantic marriage.

Your husband is a good man, a nice man, but you feel disconnected. You had these thoughts before your marriage too. While it might be easy to suggest you divorce and try for a partner who is a better match, I'm going to suggest that it is possible that your pre-wedding nerves were the uncertainty many brides-to-be feel and that your recent miscarriage has brought on temporary depression.

Some women breeze through miscarriages and others are devastated. If you are dealing with loss, grief, sadness and perhaps hormone changes too, it may affect how you perceive the present and the past.

As such, I suggest you take a break. Obviously, we can't travel during the pandemic, but you can take a few days off and do things that cheer you up. Go for a walk, cook something nice, and call a friend to catch up. Maybe you want to throw in a film marathon or give yourself a make-over.

When you've de-stressed, make a list of all the things you love about your husband. Then make a list of the times when you have laughed together, been tender with each other, or enjoyed each other's company. With the help of this list, work to kindle your relationship. Actively do more of the things that make you feel connected.

Although he is a quiet duck and you're a chatty hen, you are married and this is a partnership. So sit him down, and open up to him about your feelings. Share how the miscarriage made you feel, and tell him you're feeling a bit disconnected.

Remember that it's not about blame; it's communicating that you have been sad and grieving and that you want to build a warmer and closer connection.

I'm going to make a leap here that may be totally unjustified: girls are socialised to be aware of feeling and to manage them. Boys do not typically have that education.

It is possible that your nice husband may have unexpressed feelings about the marriage, the miscarriage and more, but he may not have the tools to understand, express and process them.

If you think my leap may be apt, encourage him to share. Be patient and go slowly, especially if he's been exposed to the toxic masculinity mantra that's stifled so many good men.

Give yourself a few months to explore kindling your relationship and to heal from the miscarriage. Hopefully, that will do it. But if by then you still think you've made a mistake, you may want to cut your losses so that both of you can find better matches.

Wishing you the best of luck.