Dear Thelma,
I'm a working girl, 29 years old.
Growing up without a father, and having attended all-girls schools throughout my schooling years, I became very awkward around guys. I didn't know how to relate to them.
In my teen years, I always envied my pretty cousin who was a guy magnet. With my ordinary looks and blemished skin, no boy would look at me twice. So I felt very self-conscious even after I grew out of the acne stage.
At age 20, when I left the country to further my studies overseas, a whole new life opened up to me. I was happiest then. I made many new friends; some of those friendships have lasted till today. But no romances blossomed.
After I finished my degree course, I returned home and got a job.
Everything was OK until my mother started pressuring me about settling down. Every Chinese New Year since then, whenever we had family reunions with the relatives, a few of them asked me that dreaded question: Do you have a boyfriend yet? It made me cringe inwardly. And my answer was always no.
Two aunts tried to matchmake me, so they set me up on blind dates. They never worked out. I felt humiliated and miserable.
So, I turned to matchmaking agencies. Whatever matches they gave me were more like mismatches – what a disaster!
Two years ago, I got to know this guy through a mutual friend. He is a quiet, pensive, sensitive type of person.
It seemed he was attracted to me too. So we have been dating. It's been about a year-and-a-half now.
As I got to know him better, I've found him to be quite possessive and jealous, and doesn't like me to even talk to other guys. And if he is not happy, he would clam up and refuse to talk to me for a few days straight. This makes me angry and unhappy. I don't think I can live with such a person. But then again, he can be really sweet if he wants to be.
My close friends think he's generally a decent, kind-hearted guy.
But I'm torn between breaking up and continuing with this relationship. I'm not sure if I see a future with him, but there's nobody else – and I don't want to be left on the shelf.
What if I never meet another decent guy who will love me?
My head is telling me to be reasonable and that whatever differences we have can be worked out if both parties are willing. But my heart tells me to break up with him as we are total opposites who sometimes get on each other's nerves.
However, when I think of breaking it off with him, I'm worried that he might then do something drastic, either to himself or to me.
Should I listen to my head or my heart?
Anxious and conflicted
My dear, you have a lot to offer. You're outgoing, thoughtful and also educated and hardworking. Why on earth are you putting up with a possessive, jealous man who uses silence to punish you when he doesn't get his way? And who threatens you with violence towards himself or you if you leave him?
You're already flinching at the thought of living with that big sulk for 50 years; listen to your gut, please. This is not a decent guy.
As you are afraid of him, consult a lawyer, one of the helplines above, or one of your tougher relatives first.
Once you have backup, tell him it's over, and start talking to someone sensible about your self-esteem because yours in clearly in the gutter. Then start dating again but tweak your process a bit.
First things first: How you feel about you. You are no longer that gawky teen. You're a clever and hardworking young woman. So update your thoughts about yourself and see yourself as you truly are.
To do that, list your good qualities. I think you are social, thoughtful and with a sense of humour. Celebrate these by keeping a weekly note of where you show these qualities. That will focus your mind on your positives.
Also surround yourself with friends who support you and who make you feel good – and avoid the people who enjoy running you down. Think of it as poison: You don't want to be contaminated by toxic relatives and others. Anyone who urges you to settle for less, isn't working for you.
When you like yourself a bit more, you'll get your bounce back. It's a curious thing, but people are attracted to those who are confident about themselves. So when you get a bit more of that, you will naturally become extra attractive.
Also, please consider this: When you were far from home, you were social and made lots of friends. If you can make friends in an alien environment, it means you have an attractive personality. And the fact that you've kept those friends, means you inspire loyalty and long-lasting warm feelings.
It means you are perfectly loveable.
So, how do we get this attractive young woman into some decent dates? Start with a bit of prep. Figure out what has worked for you in past relationships and what has not. Also list your major deal-breakers, like do you want marriage or not, kids or not, etc. That should help you avoid repeating mistakes and weed out unsuitable matches in terms of life goals.
Once you have a rough idea of what you want, I suggest going to places where you have a good time. For some, that means church and, for others, that means a pub. It might also mean a theatre, a dance class or a sport.
I suggest you do something centred around a group activity that meets regularly. Don't go swimming or to yoga – people seldom talk at those – but do consider diving, cycling, tennis, badminton, hiking, or playing board games. Look for mixed groups of people in your own age range 27 to 35.
Also go to every social dinner and party you're invited to. Ask your friends to introduce you to their friends. Not on dates, which bring a lot of pressure, but for coffee and cake, or dinners. Karaoke sessions, if you're a singer. The more people you meet, the more likely it is you'll meet someone you like.
Now, while you can do this alone, I think it may be best if you find a therapist to help you with a few sessions. For one thing, you could do with some emotional support in case that man turns nasty. For another, it can be helpful to have someone help you plan and cheer you on as you make effective change.
Either way, go for it. You're 29, clever, loveable and hardworking, and you deserve happiness. Good luck and do let me know how it goes.
