Dear Thelma: I'm feeling sad, lonely and empty this holiday season

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Dear Thelma,

I'm in my 50s, and had been looking after my elderly parents until their passing last year, just months apart.

My best friend suddenly collapsed and died from a heart attack a few months ago.

My husband and I are empty-nesters. Our children have families of their own, and live abroad. We usually see them twice or thrice a year, until the pandemic struck. We are waiting for travel restrictions to be fully lifted before they can come visit us or vice versa.

I am feeling quite overwhelmed with a sense of sadness, emptiness and loneliness. This time last year, I was still all right, but this year seems especially tough.

I also feel drained from having given so much of myself yet not feeling any love in return. I cannot explain it. The grief is overshadowing everything in my life.

I really need a break, some time away, but my husband doesn't seem to want to take time off with me. I guess I wouldn't be good company anyway.

What can I do to help myself?

Empty inside

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Dear Empty Inside,

I'm so sorry that you're having a bad time. Losing both parents and a best friend within a year or so is a lot of blows to absorb. And while we mourn at the time, holidays bring back memories and revive the grieving. In addition, you were a caretaker for the elderly and that is a shattering business.

From your letter, I think burnout from caregiving plus the surge of grief are fuelling low thoughts. These work a bit like depression in that you are seeing all the negatives in your life in sharp focus, and feeling hopeless and lonely.

Frankly, I think these difficult emotions are uncomfortable but they are perfectly natural. We should grieve for those who have passed, and miss the people we love who are absent due to the pandemic. And being exhausted from caring for others takes many months to overcome. Some carers need a year or so to recover.

Your response to your emotional reaction, a little trip and a change is very sensible. It will shake you out of your low mood and turn your thoughts to cheerier topics.

I am concerned at the thought you express that your husband is reluctant because you won't be good company. My dear, you know that being upbeat is good manners for socialising with others, but with family and close friends, you should be comfortable showing your inner emotions.

My advice is to talk to him about your feelings and your plan. As your partner, this is where he steps up and goes with you. This trip is for you to heal, revive your good spirits and to reset for the year ahead. And if in the process of your trip, you have a little cry here and there, that's OK because it's all part of the healing process.

Now, it is possible that talking to him may be a bit difficult. I'm going to take a leap here and make assumptions that may not be correct but I think it's worth putting it out there.

Many men your husband's age are not very good at dealing with emotions. They have been taught to be stoic, and to ignore feelings that aren't directly in line with power and joy.

Therefore, when those they love suffer from grief and sadness, they don't know what to do. Some have the false belief that they need to fix it – but of course you can't wave away grief and loss. As a consequence, they feel helpless and they detach.

If this is the case with your husband, he may find your emotions a little frightening. An open chat with a warm heart will help you connect. And if he is a man who thinks his job is to fix, tell him that for you, the fix is having him go on a trip and to just be there for you.

Should this not work for you, or him, then go on a trip with a good friend. There are so many of us who have suffered loss in the last two years, that there will be others who also need a lift. Go for a little local holiday, have separate rooms so you have your personal space, and don't over-plan so you have lots of leisure time.

In addition, I think you'll find the tips for behavioural activation or happiness scheduling in this other Thelma column very helpful. (Dear Thelma: I'm feeling lost, and have no motivation in life, Dec 12).

Put together, this plan should help lift your spirits. But, if you do all this and you find that your low mood persists, then have a chat with a mental health professional to see if you are suffering from depression or if there's something else going on, OK?

Good luck and I hope that 2022 rings in a happy new year for you.