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Dear Thelma,
We have been married for 20 years and have three children.Recently, my husband has been acting very distant. I know that he is facing a lot of challenges and stress at work.
But what shocked me was when he suddenly said that he wants out of our marriage!
We have been best of friends throughout the time we've known each other, and now he drops this bombshell. I just don't understand it. I hadn't picked up any "clues" as to why he might want to walk out of our marriage, which has mostly been good, apart from the occasional conflict or fight that most marriages go through. I don't think there's another woman involved.He doesn't want to talk about it; he just says that he needs time to think things through.
What am I supposed to say to our children when they ask what happened to daddy? They look up to him. This is very hard on them.
I am feeling depressed and devastated over this. Please help.
Stunned
Dear Stunned,
I'm so sorry. How shattering for you. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for people to want out of a marriage after 20 years, and with the pandemic, even more relationships are faltering.
One of the top reasons I hear is that people married too young, for example in their early or mid 20s. Some feel they have changed and that their partner developed along different lines. They have lost connection, and think they are no longer a match.
Another common reason is that people have often committed to being good parents, and also good partners and filial family members, and in that process, they have forgotten their own needs. They want to live their own life, to rediscover their independent selves.
In addition, there are those who simply don't want any more responsibility. They want to be independent, and do whatever they want to without having couple and family commitments. They long to set aside duty, and live for fun.
These scenarios have been around for a long time, and are sometimes labelled mid-life crisis.
The pandemic has fuelled this: continuous lockdowns and imminent fear of death concentrate the mind and focus on the question, "What is my life for?" For some people, that radical rethink suggests they are not living life to the full.
The cowards become adulterers, tell themselves they "deserve" to cheat, and implode their lives and reputations. The straightforward types dissolve their marriages – sometimes happily and sometimes less so.
As you think there isn't another woman involved, it suggests your husband is the second type. So I suggest this: many relationships go through a period of evaluation. Avoid black and white thinking. This is not an all-in or all-out situation.
Sit him down, calmly, or write him a text, reminding him that you are very good friends, and have a relationship of 20 years, so of course he can have time to think things over. Have him go away on his own for a few weeks. Put a date on his return and say that once he's thought it all over, you want to talk.
Then talk. Honestly, openly, and with love. Maybe he's just overwhelmed and needs a break. Possibly, a reset is all it will take. Or perhaps he wants some changes made in the relationship but he's not sure exactly what yet.
Again, in this pandemic many couples are adapting their marriage to allow independent breaks for each partner of several weeks a year, timeouts on family functions they really can't stand, banning various toxic relatives, and sharing home, family and financial duties differently.
Whatever is bothering your husband, you two are parents and you have responsibilities to your kids until they are 18. Even then, young adults typically lean on mum and dad for a few more years. So whatever it is, he can't just walk away. I suspect he won't want to, either.
So, take a breath, and when he returns, sit him down and talk. Do please try not to take any big steps quickly. These are very difficult times, and decisions taken in haste are seldom happy. Communicate carefully, and with kind, caring hearts.
In the meantime, you tell your kids the truth: daddy needs a break because he's overwhelmed. It's the pandemic, his work has been fraught and now he's off for a short sabbatical. I can't tell how old your kids are, but your marriage is your private relationship, so you need not share beyond this.
As kids have rights too, they can contact him but it must be scheduled. Also, there's to be no emotional blackmail along the lines of, "Come home, we miss you." Upbeat messages only! Let him think.
For you, I strongly suggest you take a few hours of personal counselling so you can talk out your fears and emotions in a safe space. Uncertainty is stressful, we human beings don't like it at all, so be sure to look after yourself.
Perhaps, when your husband returns and you've had your first chat, you can go on your own break. You too will have had a rough time these last few years, and a little personal time may be welcome.
I hope this sets you up for a productive next step. Hopefully, this is simply pandemic exhaustion, and a few simple tweaks are all that is required. If not, do write again. Please know I'll be thinking of you.
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