Dear Thelma: My daughter is traumatised by jobless friend's suicide

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Those suffering from mental health issues or contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 / 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999 / 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre (0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp); and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 or go to befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia for a full list of numbers nationwide and operating hours, or email [e-mail]).

Dear Thelma,

My daughter is in her mid-20s and has a group of friends she is close to.

Recently one of the girls in the group fell to her death from her apartment. She was 28, and had been jobless for almost a year. She was supporting her parents.There are other friends in her group who have also lost their jobs during this pandemic.

It saddens me to see my daughter and her other friends so traumatised by their friend's suicide. There was generally a lot of anxiety and despair among this group of youngsters even before that incident.

It pains me to see them going through this difficult time and I believe their mental health is affected.

How can we support these young people? They can't afford counselling and psychiatric help is not always accessible. What can we offer people close to us who are going through a tough time during this period?

A concerned parent

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Dear Concerned Parent,

I'm so sorry. What a tragedy. My deepest condolences.

There is such a thing as free counselling and for this there may be some extra options as well.

First are NGOs that offer free support to survivors. The best of them hire qualified mental health professionals, people who have a Master's Degree in psychology or counselling. If you can find one of those near you, that would be best.

In the past, these demanded personal visits but most have now gone online with popular applications like Meet and Zoom. For those, you simply phone, have a short chat where you explain what happened, and see if they can offer individual support or perhaps a few group sessions as well.

In addition, you can call your local council, local hospital, and local universities to see if they have services run by professionals. Again, look for appropriate Master's Degrees.

Then there are the other free services run by volunteers. This is trickier because you're dealing with people who want to be useful but who have had very limited training. It doesn't mean they can't do the job, there are some who are excellent, but it also means you may be talking to a person with good intentions but only a few hours of workshop.

Taking this into consideration, plus the stigma that still surrounds suicide, especially the people who will blame the poor victims, I think it's best if I explain a few basics here first. Then you can assess the available options and make sure they are proper before your daughter and her friends reach out.

I say this because they are in shock, are therefore vulnerable, and it's important they hear the right message.

So, most people in this situation ask several questions: why didn't I prevent it, why did they do it, and what do I do now? To answer these, you need to know the basics.

First, self-blame and guilt. In guides and manuals, the accent is always on what to look for. There are impressive lists and things to do. We like to think we can spot suicidal intent but, in practice, it is extremely difficult and sometimes impossible.

There are people who plan their suicide very carefully. They spend weeks or months sorting out their affairs, giving away their things, visiting their favourite places, doing good acts, and reaching out to people they've hurt in the past before suiciding. They will actively hide their true intent. They can also appear happy and positive.

Another type takes a snap decision. They may have felt sad or down or suicidal for a time. Sometimes, they're actually recovering from a sad period. Survivors' stories tell us that they decide impulsively that they want to die. Afterwards, they may not understand their own actions.

The takeaway from this is that it's very tricky to spot when someone is in trouble. And sometimes, the crisis just pops up with little or no notice. Therefore, blaming yourself for not preventing it is probably not very sensible or truthful. Mostly likely, this is grief and stress at work.

Why do people suicide? Talking to suicide survivors, one common theme stands out. Their sadness and hopelessness combine to whisper a very nasty lie to them: they believe that the world is better off without them. Of course this is not true. The truth is that they are loved, and that those who are left behind are devastated.

What do we do next? Grieve. Suicide is sad, so it's OK to be sad and to feel the loss. Accept the emotions but know they will pass. Talk it out with supportive people, and heal.

I don't know where you live, so a good place to start with a list of resources is the All Women's Action Malaysia (AWAM, phone: [phone]). Alternatively, see if your family doctor or hospital or council has a list. You can also reach out to the organisations listed in the info box above.

As I said, I'm so sorry for your loss. This pandemic has been awful for so many people, and suicide figures have risen globally.

For the long term, I think it's important that we keep talking. It's very tough to deal with sadness, hopelessness, depression and anxiety, so we need lots of good information and quality support. That has to come from the community, from friends, family, volunteers, and from mental health specialists. It will take time, but I think we've already started to make effective change.

And if we feel sad or our friends are sad, we must remember the essential message: if you're in a dark space, know that we are all connected, and when one of us dies, we all suffer. So be gentle with yourself, reach out and keep living.