Dear Thelma: I long for mum's love but nothing I do pleases her

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Those suffering from mental health issues or contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre (0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp); and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 or go to befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia for a full list of numbers nationwide and operating hours, or email [e-mail]).

Dear Thelma,

I miss my mum.

I worshipped her in my heart.

I lived my whole life for her. I studied hard because I wanted her to feel proud.

I searched high and low for a good job to provide a comfortable life for her.

I'd stand up for her all the time especially when people made her feel bad.

I took care of her when she was not well.

I respected her the most.

In return, she assumed that I talked bad about her to others.

She looked for love from other children but abandoned her own daughter's love.

She doesn't even acknowledge all the efforts that I've put in for her.

In the end, there's only silence. Heartache. Anxiety. Outburst of tears.

Why should I live when the one I live for doesn't even consider me in her life.

I've suffered a lot because of her anger since I was a child and it has continued till now. I used to plead with her to control her anger since I was a child. It has lessened but sometimes the beast in her would come out and it would be an awful day. Her words sometimes kill. Worst of all, my sister slit her wrist because of her anger.

I've wanted to share all this with someone but have not. Never in my life have I told the people around me who I really am. I have very good friends but when I feel like opening up, I just can't. I don't know how to tell them that I'm sad, as I feel it would burden them, and I'd feel indebted if they treated me well.

I wanted to hug my sister and tell her that sometimes it feels very heavy inside. I don't know how long more I can carry on. But I feel she is more pathetic than me.

Left by my father when I was a child. Abused emotionally by the people around me, and now a mother who refuses to understand and is ignorant.

That's it. The life that I lived became a lie. I'm still alive because I'm still breathing. And I choose not to end my life because my sister will suffer alone if I left.

I'm a fighter – I will fight but it's just that I don't how long.

Forlorn Daughter

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Dear Forlorn Daughter,

In healthy relationships, we care for each other and use kind words. It's all about loving respect.

From your description, the care flows one way, there are no kind words and no loving respect. Instead, there is anger and the silent treatment. Also, it has been this way all your life.

Nobody likes to be the recipient of a tirade but for children, rage is a particularly devastating and frightening experience.

Similarly, the silent treatment is psychological punishment. People who are made to feel invisible, suffer greatly. In some societies this was a sentence given to adults who committed crimes; to apply it at all is nasty and to apply it to children is particularly cruel.

Both rage and the silent treatment are abusive behaviours used to manipulate and control.

Studies show a link between these forms of emotional abuse and depression and anxiety. Children can also become self-destructive, self-harm and take up risky or dangerous behaviour like taking drugs or abusing alcohol.

Your poor sister tried to suicide and you are thoroughly upset because of the way you have both been treated.

Children don't have the capacity to see adult behaviour for what it is; they simply suffer. But adults can see what is proper behaviour and what is not.

You are now an adult, and I think you should start by seeing your mum's behaviour for what it is – abuse. Have a good think about the impact this has had on you. Then consider you would like to do about your relationship with her.

People with abusive parents have choices: in a very few cases, the abusive parents admit their error, apologise, go for therapy and learn better behaviour. Most often though, abusive people enjoy having power over others and they don't want to change.

With parents who are set on being abusive, some children decide it's best to cut off their relationship. Others limit contact. Whatever you want is fine; this is about helping you create a life where you can thrive.

In addition, people who grow up in abusive homes often have emotional baggage to deal with. You mention you can't admit sadness, for example, and you find it hard to share. You also suffer from anxiety and perhaps depression. These are common effects of emotional abuse.

I think it would be useful for you to figure out how your childhood learning affects and sabotages you today, and learn new, happier behaviour.

This is not easy work and I don't think you can do it by yourself. I strongly suggest you seek a mental health professional. You'll need someone with at least a Masters degree in psychology, counselling or social work who has helped clients recover from parental abuse.

Look for a private practitioner or ask your family doctor to refer you. You can also call your local council for information, or contact any of the numbers given in the info box above.

Start with a thorough assessment of your overall mental health, and then start understanding where you are and where you need to reassess and make positive changes.

Also, please help your sister to book time with a therapist. If she is still suicidal, it may be helpful for her to also consult a psychiatrist, a medical doctor specialising in mental health issues, for medication.

Ideally, you both have your own support. However, if you're shy, then the two of you might have a few sessions together, just to get you started on a happier path.