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Those suffering from mental health issues or contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre (0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp); and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 or go to befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia for a full list of numbers nationwide and operating hours, or email sam@befrienders.org.my).
Dear Thelma,
My siblings and I have been suffering from the fights between my parents since I was young and now I have witnessed the worst argument between them. Therefore, I have demanded that my mother divorce my father as we can't stand seeing them fight any longer. Although she agreed to it, it will be very hard for her to do so as we will be struggling financially since my siblings and I didn't have full-time jobs yet.
The reason for their argument was mainly his infidelity towards my mother whereby he had a series of affairs behind her back all this while. And the same thing happened to his brother who also cheated on his wife with a divorcee and is planning to marry her. I would like to demand that my father divorce my mother but I was told that we may not get any financial support from him as we don't have any place to go to if they were to get divorced now and my mum leaves him for good.
I have started to hate my father a lot more now as he has been mistreating my mother very badly and hitting her once in a while all these years. He didn't even tried to fix his relationship with her but continued to cheat on her and abuse her.
I also hated that he couldn't control his anger and constantly yelled and scolded people as he wished. Could it be that he is mentally unstable and may require mental treatment?
I have been constantly feeling overwhelmed, depressed, anxious and helpless as I couldn't do anything much as a child. And what I can do now is to endure his childish behaviour.
I am honestly tired and fed up, and this suffering has made it a struggle for me to sleep well at times.
This conflict has made me stand firm on my decision to never marry at all my entire life.
Feeling Blue
Dear Feeling Blue,
I'm sorry to hear you're in so much trouble. Let me offer practical advice first for your parents and then we talk about your mental health and what you might consider as a family.
Your mother is a victim of domestic violence, so she ought to talk to a mental health professional skilled in dealing with abuse. You can call Women's Aid Organisation (03-3000 8858) or the phone numbers given in the info box above.
They will help your mum talk through her emotions, her options and they can provide her with information on where to look for help on legal issues should she decide on a separation, divorce or other option.
You ask if your dad is mentally ill. While pathological lying is a symptom of various personality disorders, and sex addiction is a recognised issue too, there are also people who simply feel OK with being violent, cheating and lying. My advice is that if you think he is really ill, get him to a psychiatrist.
If you need help with finances, go and talk to Bank Negara's free Agensi Kaunseling dan Pengurusan Kredit (AKPK) service. Write a list of questions you have in advance. Then take that and your bills, loan and mortgage documents and bank statements for all of you (mum, you and any siblings who live in your home) for the last six months.
The people at AKPK will advise you on how to manage your bills and credit and what kind of rights and resources you have.
Now, about your mental health. Your letter is rich with anger, frustration and fear. It's understandable, you are reacting against violence, cheating and uncertainty. However, I think it would be useful if you have someone help you process these feelings.
Also, you mention depression and anxiety, but I'm uncertain if you are talking about the mental health conditions or whether you are using these as synonyms for emotions like sadness, grief and uncertainty. Then again, you're losing sleep and that can have a devastating effect on your health.
To be safe, book yourself a few sessions with a mental health professional too. It need not be someone skilled in abuse; you just need someone sensible and non-judgemental who can assess you for depression and anxiety and to give you advice on sleep hygiene.
In addition, build up your support network. Talk to friends or family members who aren't too close to your parents so you can let off steam and have a safe space to vent.
Now, some general advice about moving forward as a family. Generally speaking, a parents' marriage is not the business of their children. This is because bonds between parents and kids are quite different from other relationships.
However, there are exceptions to this guideline. One is when the adults lack mental capacity, for example, if they have dementia. Another is when violence is involved.
With your family, there is violence. Therefore, you should protect your mum by calling in expert help. However, I'm afraid you cannot be involved further than helping her find those resources.
I know it's hard, so I suggest you go for one meeting with a mental health professional as a family and talk about boundaries. Then let your mum go for her meetings by herself, and to build her own support group from her peers – her siblings, her friends and members of her family who aren't her kids.
I hope this helps you all move forward and make effective change.
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