New technologies have made meeting people easier than ever before, but they have also paved the way for a growing list of toxic dating trends. Photo: Freepik
With the rise of digitalisation, the dating landscape has transformed dramatically. New technologies have made meeting people much easier than ever before, but they have also paved the way for a growing list of toxic dating trends.
Some of these have been around for years, while others are new, evolving with changing norms and digitisation. Despite their differences, all share a common theme: emotional manipulation and a lack of accountability.
Building genuine connections require self-awareness, open communication and a willingness to treat others with respect and dignity, says Cheah. Photo: Dr Desmond CheahPsychological factors like insecurity, a need for control, or unresolved trauma often drive such toxic behaviours, says mental health consultant Dr Desmond Cheah.
"These patterns can be identified early on by observing inconsistent communication, excessive flattery followed by withdrawal, or a lack of genuine emotional connection," says Cheah. "Trust your instincts if something feels off," he advises.
Take the avoidant discard trend, for example. This happens when someone abruptly ends what seems like a stable relationship without explanation. Everything appears to be going smoothly, until one day, they withdraw. For the discarded partner, it feels like being blindsided and abandoned, leaving them grappling with unanswered questions, no closure, and a shattered sense of trust.
Similarly, benching keeps people in emotional limbo. The bencher strings someone along as a backup option while actively pursuing others, offering just enough attention to maintain hope without ever committing.
Other trends, like breadcrumbing, are subtler but equally damaging. In this case, a person offers intermittent signs of interest – sporadic texts, occasional likes on social media – just enough to keep the other person emotionally hooked, but never enough to move the relationship forward. It’s an insidious game of mixed signals that creates false hope, keeping people stuck in a cycle of anticipation.
An overuse of dating apps and trends impact individuals' ability to form deep, meaningful connections. It fosters superficial connections, reducing emotional depth and increasing dissatisfaction. To counteract this, Cheah advises to focus more on quality over quantity, take breaks from using apps, and prioritise authentic interactions. "Building meaningful connections requires patience and genuine effort."
Building genuine connections requires self-awareness, open communication, and a willingness to treat others with respect and dignity. Photo: Freepik
Some trends involve outright dishonesty. Cushioning and emotional buffering both rely on keeping romantic options open, using other people as emotional safety nets in case a primary relationship falters or to prevent loneliness when it ends.
In roaching, a person casually dates multiple people while hiding this from everyone involved, much like spotting one roach implies the presence of many hidden others. These patterns not only betray trust but also prevent genuine emotional connection.
Digital behaviours like orbiting and paper clipping are unique products of our tech-focused world. In orbiting, someone ghosts you but continues engaging with your social media – watching your stories, liking your posts – without ever communicating. Paper clipping, on the other hand, refers to someone who reappears after disappearing, not to reconnect genuinely but to see if you’re still emotionally available to them. Inspired by Microsoft’s infamous Clippy assistant, it’s a form of validation-seeking that disregards the other person’s feelings.
Practical strategies to cultivate healthier communication and emotional boundaries include prioritising clear communication and setting these emotional boundaries early on.
"Don't just rely solely on digital communication; face-to-face conversations foster deeper emotional connections and ensure that intentions are clearly understood, reducing the confusion often created by online-only interactions," says Cheah.
Other trends reveal deeper emotional avoidance. Phantom exes, for instance, involve keeping the memory of an ex alive – through photos, conversations, or unresolved feelings – while dating someone new. This unspoken emotional baggage can create trust issues, making it difficult for the new relationship to thrive. Meanwhile, quiet dumping describes staying in a relationship but gradually withdrawing emotional energy and effort. While one partner assumes the relationship is still intact, the other has effectively ended it without communicating their feelings, causing confusion and insecurity in their wake.
Modern technology has also given rise to relationship shopping, where people treat dating apps like an endless menu of options. Even while in a relationship, they continue swiping or chatting, always searching for someone "better". This fosters superficial connections and creates a sense of instability, as partners are left wondering whether they’re just placeholders. Similarly, textationships – relationships that exist almost entirely over text – give the illusion of emotional intimacy without the depth that comes from real-life interaction. While texting is an integral part of modern dating, relying on it exclusively can cause people to be emotionally invested in someone they’ve barely met.
It's possible for those who have been on the receiving end of such emotionally manipulative behaviours to rebuild trust and self-worth. Start by acknowledging the pain and seeking support through personalised therapy or trusted loved ones, says Cheah.
"Prioritise self-care, establish clear boundaries, and surround yourself with uplifting influences. Remember, healing is a journey that requires time and patience," he adds.
Cushioning and emotional buffering both rely on keeping romantic options open, using other people as emotional safety nets in case a primary relationship falters or to prevent loneliness when it ends. Photo: Freepik
More extreme trends like love-bombing and ghostlighting are deeply manipulative.Love-bombing involves overwhelming someone with affection and gifts early on to create an emotional dependency, only for that affection to turn into criticism or neglect once control is established. Ghostlighting, a combination of ghosting and gaslighting, is even more sinister: the person vanishes, then denies the relationship ever existed when confronted. Both trends result in victims questioning their reality and self-worth.
Even small behaviours like phubbing – ignoring someone to focus on your phone – can erode trust and connection. Constant distractions during meaningful conversations or dates make the other person feel unimportant and disrespected.
Similarly, soft launching relationships on social media, where vague hints are dropped about a new partner without fully revealing their identity – such as posting a photo of a hand or blurred silhouette – can manipulate multiple romantic interests by creating the illusion of exclusivity.
The aftermath of ghosting has also led to behaviours like zombie-ing and monkey-barring. In zombie-ing, someone who disappeared suddenly reappears without acknowledgment of their past actions, disrupting the healing process. Monkey-barring describes people who jump from one relationship to the next without taking time to process emotions or heal, treating partners as temporary stepping stones.
These toxic trends thrive in a world of casual dating and digital communication, where accountability and empathy are often overlooked. They are fuelled by emotional immaturity, fear of vulnerability, and an over-reliance on technology to mediate human relationships.
"Those perpetuating these toxic dating trends often grapple with fear of commitment, low self-esteem, or unresolved past experiences," reveals Cheah. "Working with a skilled therapist can uncover such patterns, build emotional awareness, and foster healthier communication and connection. True healing begins with self-reflection and taking responsibility for change."
While these behaviours may seem pervasive, they don’t have to define modern dating.
"Building genuine connections require self-awareness, open communication, and a willingness to treat others with respect and dignity. Only then can we begin to counter these harmful patterns and foster healthier, more meaningful relationships," he concludes.
