Every now and again, an invention changes the world. Our ancestors had the printing press. Our grandparents saw the rise of television and international travel.
For us, the internet and smartphone have changed how we shop, call taxis, pay bills and how we connect with friends and family.
It’s a joy, but the ride can also be challenging. Thankfully, some excellent local studies have examined the change, giving us insight into how we can maintain strong, happy family bonds in these changing times.
Oh! My Grandparents (OMG)
In April 2020, right in the middle of the third lockdown, Dr Azian Muhamad Adzmi at Universiti Utara Malaysia led a team who conducted in-depth interviews with 15 grandchildren all over East and West Malaysia, asking them about their family WhatsApp group experiences.
The paper is a wonderful snapshot of how the younger generation got to know their grandparents.
Most appreciated the importance of family ties. Most also reported that family WhatsApp groups strengthened relationships.
Many reported that grandparents became obsessed with WhatsApp. Some previously tech-shy grandparents expanded into Instagram, and other social media platforms. Also, topics of conversation ranged from birthday greetings to politics, religious advice, and entertainment.
However, some of the grandchildren found the constant communication difficult to manage. Some became quite overwhelmed, especially during school time.
Those with big families also found that large groups were too difficult to keep up with. Many enjoyed splitting their attention into multiple groups, like one for cousins, to enable different sorts of conversations to take place appropriately.
A few felt forced to participate, which did not promote joy. And finally, older generations’ nagging was mentioned as a major put-off.
Rural grandparenting
A 2024 study led by Dr Jo-Pei Tan at Manchester Metropolitan University in Britain, had a team survey 465 children aged nine to 12 from Malaysian rural areas, and then interview 25 grandparents in-depth.
Modern grandparents carry quite a heavy burden of supervising, helping with homework and stepping in for parents who are at work. Some pointed out that children can’t play outside unless they are supervised, a change from older times.
While some mentioned that modern grandparenting is tiring, many also pointed out that the trade-off is a strong emotional bond between generations.
Many grandparents see their work as a duty but one that is performed with love. They expressed this in different ways: Hugs, cooking favourite meals, playing games and more.
Analysis showed that grandparents who chat, play with, do chores with the grandkids, and participate in their lives, have a stronger emotional connection. Also, these warm bonds lead to grandchildren having better social skills.
Maximising take-aways
Small is beautiful. Big groups generate too much noise which detracts from the relationship. You may want a giant group for a very specific thing like organising a party, but in general, keeping groups smaller is better for connection.
A “like” is love. We expect a response to a conversation or letter. However, with school being like working a day job, kids may be short of free time. Therefore, consider that your posting will connect you, even if the grandkids only give it a thumbs up rather than respond at length.
Do things together. Cooking together, even mopping the floor, helps build emotional connection. Plus, the grandchildren pick up practical life skills that serve them well when they go to college.
Limit advice. When we love people, we want to help. But if they haven’t asked for advice, giving it might hit wrong. Repeating advice is especially irksome. So when the gift of wisdom is unaccepted, remember that pushing will only drive them away.
Finally, children are wired to seek adult approval. They need to know they’re loved. Old-fashioned childcare did not understand this primal need. One of the common discussions that comes up repeatedly in family therapy sessions, is that it was common for our own elders to have a harsh mindset. They would be very quick to point out our faults, and take it for granted when we tried hard or did well. We did not realise back then how this unpleasant attitude impacted on kids.
Today’s family leadership is changing. We let kids know they’re good people no matter how they score on their tests.
While this is better for the kids and for us, that change can take a toll. If we were lectured and scolded routinely as a child, we may be tempted to scold in return – even when we know it’s not helpful.
So part of modern grandparenting is self-care. It may sound cliche but your health is important, so do remember that good enough is better than perfect; be kind to yourself and take breaks.
And speaking practically, should the grandkids turn to you with woe because of a poor result, there’s the smartphone to help us brush up on old skills.
After all, we might not remember how to solve algebraic equations, but we sure know how to add love and support into their lives.
Ellen Whyte is a British counsellor and psychotherapist who has a soft spot for cats. She founded an online practice in 2016, and works with clients in 20+ countries. All view expressed in this article are entirely the writer’s own.
