Paying mindful attention to emotions could reveal answers we’ve been searching for all along. — Graphic: 123rf.com
In conversations over the past two weeks, I’ve noticed a common thread: a sense of being at a crossroads, of taking stock of life and wondering, “What now?” It’s a restlessness that emerges when we pause to reflect on where we’ve been and where we’re headed.
As a society, we place immense pressure on ourselves by internalising the notion that each new year should bring grand plans and fresh starts, that we should always be striving for the next milestone. But real life isn’t always as straightforward as that, and each new year is rarely so neatly packaged.
Life is seldom a linear journey from one achievement to the next. It’s a winding path filled with detours, setbacks, and unexpected turns. And yet, we often judge ourselves harshly for not having it all figured out, for harbouring doubts and uncertainties about the future.
What if, instead of pushing away these complex emotions, we allowed ourselves to sit with them? To acknowledge that feeling lost or unsure isn’t a failure, but a natural part of our experience?
In moments of doubt, I find solace in a practice found in existential therapy called “zooming in” – shifting focus from the overwhelming big picture to the small, meaningful details that bring joy and comfort to life.
It’s a reminder that even amid uncertainty, there’s something worthwhile and enjoyable to be found in the present moment. Perhaps it’s a good conversation with a family member, being able to enjoy a quiet weekend afternoon, or making plans to catch up with a good friend. When we’re overly focused on ticking goals off the list, it’s easy to miss the value of these moments.
If we’re always thinking about goals and achievements, we can soon cultivate a mindset that nothing’s enough – not even ourselves. The more we dwell on the bigger picture, the less we appreciate the details.
That said, feelings of doubt and despair often contain important messages. It’s common to wonder what good it does to sit with unpleasant feelings – why wallow in discomfort? But sitting with our feelings doesn’t come with the expectation that we stay there. Instead, it invites us to think about why those feelings are showing up – something we frequently avoid doing.
I’ve mentioned in this column before that the word “emotion” comes from the Latin “emovere”, which describes something that moves or stirs us to act. In therapy, emotions aren’t something to avoid (which can cause more problems) but things that call our attention to something within us or about our situation that needs some kind of change or resolution. Rather than viewing difficult feelings as something to get rid of, we can see them as an invitation to explore what’s going on and what truly matters.
Often, these moments of introspection point us toward areas of our lives that need attention or alignment. For example, if there are feelings of despair relating to our career or personal life, what might we need to attend to? Are we in a place that really feels right for us? Have we outgrown a situation? Do we need to have a difficult but important conversation?
In other cases, despair can point to our tendency of “just one more” thinking. If only I had a better job. Maybe the next relationship will be perfect. Perhaps a better car will make me happy, and so on. That despair might be calling our attention to such patterns, especially when what we have now are things we once long desired to achieve.
This “just one more” mindset reflects what psychologists call “hedonic adaptation” – our tendency to return to baseline levels of happiness soon after significant life experiences. The thing we’re chasing – that next milestone or achievement – is unlikely to deliver the lasting fulfilment we imagine. The goalposts keep moving because our expectations adapt.
For me, this underscores the importance of understanding what genuinely matters in our lives – not what others suggest should matter, but what resonates deeply with our own sense of meaning. We have this one journey through life, and it serves us well to pay attention to our present circumstances: are we caught in the endless cycle of “just one more” thinking, or are we sensing a genuine need for meaningful change?
Sometimes, the clearest path forward emerges when we step back from the overwhelming scope of life’s bigger picture. By zooming in on our daily experiences, we can distinguish between what truly enriches our lives and what we might need to let go. Often, this practice of mindful attention reveals the answers we’ve been searching for all along.
Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@ thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.