As a counsellor who works with couples, one of the clearest markers of a steady relationship is the willingness each person shows to be influenced by the other.
As a counsellor who works with couples, one of the clearest markers of a steady relationship is the willingness each person shows to be influenced by the other.
Decades of research into long-term relationships show that when people take each other’s views seriously and adjust accordingly, they usually feel closer and more connected.
While much of this work focuses on marriages, the idea applies just as well to family and friendships. It means recognising what the other person is asking for and respecting personal choices.
During the holiday season, families gather with the hope of having a pleasant time, yet many people know the stress and tension that can exist around this time of year.
Everyone has their own preferences, limits, moods, and private worries. When we overlook this or try to impose our expectations, the atmosphere can slip into something slightly strained, albeit unintentionally.
A small example of this centres around food. Every family has someone who insists that the meal isn’t complete unless everyone takes a second or third serving.
The intention is affectionate, because feeding others can feel like a genuine expression of care.
The difficulty is that not everyone has the same appetite or comfort level. A polite “I’m OK, thanks” should be straightforward, yet many find themselves being urged repeatedly to take more. Accepting influence here simply means recognising that the person has reached their limit – or is simply making a choice – and that the caring part is to let it go.
Excessive personal questions can be just as uncomfortable. Many relatives ask about work, relationships, or future plans because they want to stay connected. Even so, some questions can feel more intrusive than others – especially when repeatedly asked. Asking someone when they plan to get married, whether they’re having children, or why they changed jobs might seem harmless, but the person answering might feel pressured. People usually give small signals, such as a vague answer or a quick attempt to change the subject.
Pushing for more rarely results in better conversation or connection. The more likely outcome is the other person retreats emotionally and becomes more defensive. Accepting influence in this situation means being mindful that they’re not ready to share whatever’s being asked.
Participation during gatherings can create tension, too. Some people enjoy long evenings filled with chat and activity, while others manage their energy differently and prefer occasional breaks.
Families sometimes interpret this as aloofness or lack of interest or rudeness, yet often it’s simply how people manage their energy. When someone steps away for some air or sits out of a game, accepting influence here means knowing this helps them stay comfortable rather than assuming they’re disengaged.
Family gatherings tend to run more smoothly when everyone is allowed to participate in a way that suits their own temperament rather than a single version of what “togetherness” should look like. When people’s preferences are ignored over time, this can weaken the relationship. Some start associating gatherings with discomfort rather than connection, and they become more careful about what they share or how they engage.
They might attend out of obligation rather than enthusiasm, and this usually happens through a series of small moments where someone felt pushed or dismissed, rather than through any single moment of tension.
Regardless of the type of relationship, those moments accumulate and change how people experience the relationship.
The good news is that small acts of respect can shift things in the opposite direction. For example, when someone declines food and the host accepts it instantly, it feels caring. When a vague answer to a personal question is met with understanding rather than more probing, the person is more likely to feel respected.
And when someone takes a moment to rest and no one treats it as unusual, they feel included without pressure. These gestures might feel small, but they create the kind of atmosphere that people genuinely enjoy.
The end of the year often brings reflection on relationships, and many of us hope for joyful interactions with our families. Accepting influence is a simple way to support that goal.
It doesn’t require perfect communication skills or elaborate strategies. It simply invites us to pay attention to the cues people give and trust that their preferences matter, even if they don’t match our expectations.
If we approach the season with that mindset, gatherings will feel more relaxed and families closer, as everyone’s comfort is acknowledged. These small acts won’t change relationships overnight, but they foster respect instead of pressure.
Perhaps that’s something helpful to keep in mind over the coming weeks: celebrations are better when we make space for one another, not only in terms of chairs, but also in the choices that help people feel more at ease.
Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, e-mail lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.
