They talk without pause or punctuation. Some people have an obvious urge to talk, which can annoy the person they are talking to.
It might be a colleague who gives monologues at meetings, a neighbour who talks non-stop when you meet or a friend who doesn’t give you any space to say anything yourself.
Such talkaholics are often unaware that their incessant stream of words can annoy others.
That’s because sometimes the other person is sending the wrong signal, says Michaela Albrecht, a communication trainer in Hohenroda, Hesse.
“If someone nods politely to the other person’s torrent of words, even though it annoys them, the overly talkative person may interpret this as interest,” she says.
Increased need to talk
There can be many reasons why someone talks incessantly and doesn’t give the other person a chance to say anything.
Loneliness: “Some people live alone and have hardly anyone to talk to,” says Judith Lurweg, a systemic therapist in Munster.
When these people meet others and see an opportunity to say things they have long kept to themselves, they do so.
“It’s as if something inside them is released and pent-up feelings come pouring out,” says Lurweg.
Insecurity: Others talk incessantly in the hope of receiving validation.
“They are unsure whether what they are doing or how they are behaving is right,” says Lurweg. “And want to compensate for this with a torrent of words.”
Personality trait: Some people were not listened to as children – and as adults, they compensate for this by talking and expecting others to listen to them.
“Others are simply used to being listened to and talk incessantly for that reason alone,” says Lurweg.
Due to gender socialisation, this pattern is more common in men’s behaviour towards women.
Women comply and listen, even though they are annoyed, because they have learned to please.
“Sometimes it also has something to do with age, which is why some people talk incessantly to others,” says Albrecht. The older you are, the more you have usually experienced – and some older people feel the urge to pass on their experiences so that others can benefit from them.
Dealing with ‘talkaholics’
How best to deal with someone who talks incessantly depends on the context.
“In a professional context, for example during a team meeting, structures with fixed speaking times can ensure that a team member’s comments do not drag on,” says Albrecht.
But what if the talkative person is part of your personal circle of friends?
“In this case, people who feel annoyed by their counterpart’s torrent of words should ask themselves some questions,” says Albrecht.
Ask yourself, how important is my relationship with this person to me? Do I want to offend them and possibly turn away from them? Or do I want there to be genuine interaction instead of monologues?
Here are some ways you can address the issue:
Interrupt: If the conversation with your good friend is too one-sided and she is the one who talks incessantly, you should interrupt her in a friendly but firm manner. “Then it’s not about bombarding her with accusations along the lines of ‘why are you talking so much?’, but speaking in the first person,” says Lurweg.
You can say, “I feel like you’re talking more than I am and not giving me a chance to tell you anything about my life.” Or, “Hey, I can’t really concentrate on what you’re saying because you’ve been talking for a long time; let me say something.”
Gestures: Body language can also help to signal to the other person: I want to say something. “This can be done by raising your hand or pointing a finger at the other person,” says Albrecht.
Set boundaries: “A conversation is an exchange, not a monologue,” says Lurweg. You should make this clear to the other person and interrupt them politely before they finish speaking.
Depending on the situation, it can also be helpful to tell the other person that you are not prepared to listen any longer – for example, because you are pressed for time. You can then arrange to talk again at a later date.
And the person who has been listening without interruption could take the moment to say something like, “Next time, I’ll tell you something about myself too.” – dpa
