Sunny Side Up: Real encouragement comes from being understood

Studies show that praising effort, strategy, and persistence fuels motivation, resilience, and achievement more than praising intelligence or outcomes. — 123rf

LAST week I received an inadvertent masterclass on how to reassure someone when they’re having self-doubt, and it lasted the length of a single comment.

Over the past year or so, I’ve been preparing to apply for a PhD and while the process requires a lot of work, I’ve also thrown in a dash of procrastination for good measure. I’ve talked about my self-doubt over this in my own therapy and it stems from a mixture of things, including messages received growing up, and a bizarre notion that I shouldn’t “rise above my station”.

This was surprising to discover because I don’t think of myself as lacking confidence in my abilities, and I don’t buy into this way of thinking. So I wondered where the self-doubt was coming from and why, in this case, it was prominent.

There were two main themes that emerged: fear of failing something so important, and a feeling that I don’t quite belong in academic circles. The latter has been emphatically shot down by close friends, for which I’m grateful.

A common misunderstanding about therapy is that we spend a lot of time “dwelling” on our childhood, which isn’t true. But we might spend time on it when old patterns and beliefs about ourselves arise in the present. As much as we’d like to believe otherwise, we don’t exist in a single point of time, and quite often how we were conditioned growing up shows itselfwhen we encounter things later in life that really matter.

But through conversations with close friends, my therapist, and with the amazing support of my wife, I’ve been slowly able to chip away at the doubts and negative messages I’ve carried with me since young.

Another common misunderstanding about therapy is it’s all about being kind and warm, and just listening. On the contrary, much difficult work is done to learn how a person relates to others, and how to be with them in a way that lowers their defences.

For example, if a person is highly self-judgemental and doesn’t think much of themselves, trying to tell them how marvellous they are is likely to backfire. This is why rushing to “fix” or “solve” a person’s problem frequently falls flat – we have to first understand where they’re coming from.

Recently, I was playing badminton with two friends and discussing the PhD with one who has been kind enough to share his own experiences of the process, including some of his struggles.

During our conversation, he said, “Even if it’s not completed, you’ll learn a ton along the way and you’ll pretty much develop a lot of insight and expertise in the subject.

That single line – likely a tipping point after similar conversations – immediately relieved much of the self-doubt I’d been carrying, and reminded me of the wealth of research that talks about the importance of how we motivate young people.

In one case, Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck’s research shows that praising effort, strategy, and persistence fuels motivation, resilience, and achievement more than praising intelligence or outcomes.

Her studies found that children praised for being “smart” developed a fixed mindset, avoided challenges, and gave up easily after failure. But those praised for effort adopted a growth mindset, embracing difficult tasks as opportunities to learn and improve. Praising process nurtures curiosity, persistence, and confidence, while praising intelligence or outcomes often makes people play it safe, avoiding the uncertainty that real growth requires. 

Starting his point with, “Even if it’s not completed”, my friend didn’t dismiss the importance of me trying for a PhD, but reinforced the fact that the most important thing about any pursuit is the process of doing it and what we gain from it.

Why I felt it was a masterclass in reassurance is because it didn’t ignore the self-doubt – or the possibility of not crossing the finish line – while reminding me I still have the capacity to learn from and to take part in something that matters, regardless of where it leads.

There’s something lost in the tension when we acknowledge reality as it is. For example, someone might say, “I’m such a terrible person”, and the reflexive response is to say, “Nonsense, of course you’re not – you’re wonderful.”

If we were to respond instead with something like, “What makes you say that?” and be open to being curious about their experience as it is, this becomes the key to ending the tug of war and opening a path to real connection and communication.

So often we try to think of the best thing to say to someone, or offer profound words of wisdom from our own life experience, but starting from their experience rather than our own makes a huge difference.

Real encouragement doesn’t come from fixing, but from being understood.

Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, e-mail [e-mail]. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.