Dear Thelma: My sister won't do her house chores and I have to pick up the slack

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Email [e-mail] or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11,46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. Please include your full name, address and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained.

The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.

The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

Those suffering from mental health issues or contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/ 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/ 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre (0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp); and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 or go to the Befrienders for a full list of numbers nationwide and operating hours, or email [e-mail]).

Dear Thelma,

I live with my parents and younger sister.

Everything is fine, except for the fact that my sister seems to be plain lazy or, should I say, she’s just taking advantage.

We share the house chores which are assigned accordingly. She is in charge of cleaning the floor.

Sometimes, there are some shoes at the door. After having the floors cleaned, she would not place them back in their original positions. It has happened continuously. My mum and I would have to do it if she didn't.

I reprimanded her once. She retaliated by asking me to do it myself. I was dumbstruck – how could she say such a thing!

So, I responded by saying she should put them back where they originally belong – and she just walked away.

Apart from that, when it comes to replacing/refilling stuff in our shared bathroom, things like empty toothpaste tubes, toilet paper, shower gel and shampoo, she just would not replace/refill them.

Instead, I had and still have to do it every single time. When I voiced it out, all I got was a nonchalant reply, “She is that kind of person and there’s no point getting worked up about it.”

I’m not being calculating.

Though it may seem like a trivial matter, all I need is for her to have some basic responsibilities at home and not just rely on others to clean up after her.Hope you can advise me how I can cope living with this sister. Thank you.

Worked Up Girl

---

Dear Worked Up Girl,

Thanks for writing in about this, because it's a super-hot topic. On the surface, this seems a simple enough issue. However, this is the kind of "little thing" that fuels tempers and hurts relationships. Unequal housework even breaks up marriages.

Cleaning and housework troubles may be rooted in clashing needs, as well as respect and control.

When people share a space, the happiest solution is that they divide the work equally, and do it without being told or reminded.

However, one key issue is that everyone has different standards of house cleaning. Some people want to clean floors and dust every day. Others don't mind a few days gap. Some can live with a bit of dust; others can't.

Also, house cleaning is dull work, and it's never-ending. As a result, many of us would rather not do it. When a person flatly refuses to do their fair share, there is injustice. This leads to anger and frustration. Also, the people involved begin to wrangle for control.

This is where you and your sister are. She is refusing to do her share, deliberately doing her work badly, and that leads to bad feelings. You are angry, because this is unfair. You try to force her with scolding.

In addition, you are doing her work for her. Do you realise that what you are doing is rewarding her bad behaviour?

Your sister has learned that if she doesn't do her fair share, you will do it for her. All she has to do is sulk, and then you'll nag a bit, and work at all the things she's supposed to do.

Clearly this is not acceptable.

I suggest these two pathways to a fair solution.

One method is to step back completely. You and your sister live in your parents' home – it's the parents that set the rules, and it should be the parents who enforce them.

It is not your job to parent your sister. It is also not your place to scold her. Do the job that is yours, and leave your sister up to your mum and dad.

If the shoes are all over the place, let your parents discipline her. If the bathroom things aren't replaced, leave it, and let the older folks teach her. Stay out of it.

Another method is one that works for people who share apartments, like students and married couples. You sit down and point out (politely) that sharing a home means everyone does chores. It is a matter of respect.

However, as it can be very dull to do things that you don't really care about, chores are easier if you're invested in the result. So, people who like a clean floor do mopping, and those who like chopping do food prep.

Make a list of what needs to be done, and divide it up as nicely as possible. With this method, you have to be careful to divide the effort and time fairly.

Alternatively, you do everything one week, and she does it all the next.

However you tackle this, you can be certain housework burdens will be an argument you will have lots of times in your life. So think it over, get stuck in, and good luck to you!