Dear Thelma: My boyfriend spends the whole day texting this girl

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Dear Thelma,

My boyfriend has this girl friend, R.

They used to like each other about one or two years ago, but they never got together.

Recently, he has been messaging her every single day – from when he wakes up till he sleeps.

I've expressed some discomfort about this but he jokes and laughs it off.

I have my own trust issues but I'm working on them.

Still, I can't help but feel worried, as this is a lot of messaging between two people. He has sent her pictures that I thought were just for me. I don't know, I feel really insecure even though he says he has nothing to hide.

I was hoping to get your opinion or advice on this. I don't know how to approach this with him because I feel like I have a problem with any girl he gets close to.

Jenny

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Dear Jenny,

In relationships, we juggle personal needs with couple needs. Put simply, we act loving towards ourselves and to each other as a couple.

It is fine to chat to old friends. It is fine to have lunch or dinner every now and again. It is not fine to spend every day with another person (texting or in person). This is because the couple should be first.

You say you feel as if you have a problem with any girl he gets close to. I don't know what that means. If I read it one way, I wonder if you have jealousy issues. If I read it another way, then this isn't the first time he's gone off with someone else.

If you are jealous of any female he speaks to, get help for yourself. However, whether you are jealous or not, this case falls outside of that issue. We are not talking about an odd text or casual meal; we are talking day in and day out attention going to a third party.

Your boyfriend is having an emotional affair. Therefore, it needs to be addressed.

He can't cop out with,"Oh, it's me talking to my friend" because the concern is,"Your other relationship is affecting the intimacy of our relationship."

I'm not sure what you mean by pictures, but from your careful description, I'm wondering if those are nudes. If they are, that's a definite no-no. Unless you are poly or have an open relationship, intimacy is reserved for the couple relationship only.

So, assuming you are OK on the jealousy front, and that this is the first time this issue has cropped up, I'd have a chat.

Remind him that relationships come with commitment. That means putting you, him and your coupledom before other friendships. Also, it comes with boundaries. If he's not ready for that, break it off.

If this is not the first time he's been emotionally involved with another person, that is a big red flag. Should he have a habit of ignoring you while he devotes himself to others, I would break it off without bothering with the chat.

Bottom line: blowing off your pain because there are others he'd rather be with is a no-no. You deserve a partner who is committed to your relationship.