Dear Thelma: We love each other but he’s engaged to another girl

I’m a 32-year-old single female. My life has not been a happy one.

All my life, I have been sacrificing my happiness for others’ happiness; whenever I wanted to say no, I have said yes. I haven’t seen happiness so far.

My bestie passed away in 2016 because of me (I couldn’t be his girl) but he meant a lot to me. I couldn’t think of him as my husband but he wanted me to be his wife. When I lost him, I lost hope and trust in any guy or relationship.

Time passed, and on Nov 23, 2018, I spoke to someone, a complete stranger from another state, on a social app but accidentally. That was the first time we spoke. We never seemed like strangers; he was so cool and funny.

I never thought I’d speak to him again as I wasn’t interested in any guy. But he messaged me, asking if he could talk or message me whenever he felt like it. I said OK. We started to speak to each other every day.

We became close and shared anything and everything. We had good days but also fights and arguments which brought us pain But still we never gave up on each other.

He loves me a lot as a bestie but is too possessive and insecure. He wants me.

I love him too. He is interested in a live-in relationship but now he is engaged to someone else and will be married in a couple of months although he is not interested in marriage – he agreed for his parents’ sake.

He can’t be happy with the girl he will marry; he tried to convey that to her but everything is out of his hands. He is not ready to give up on me and I don’t want to miss him as a bestie. But he wants me to be his everything, and I don’t want to miss another friend.

I don’t know but I have this feeling that he is mine, and I can’t bear to see him with any other girl. He can’t stand to see me with other guys, either.

I’m going insane, having sleepless nights. I don’t want to hurt that girl who knows nothing.

I want to stay away from him but I can’t. He is my only friend. What can I do? Please help me.

Mentally Unstable

When two people meet over text and fall in love, they make sure the relationship moves forward. At a certain point, they meet each other in real life and they also talk to their family and friends about their love interest. When the relationships doesn’t develop, that’s a red flag.

In the two years you’ve been texting, you should have been able to manage a visit. Also, he should have been able to talk to his family about you. This is especially easy now when we are Zooming on a daily basis. Yet he’s not said, “Mum, Dad, this is a girl I really want to know better.”

Instead of progress, you’ve been stuck at texting. Not only are you stuck at the same spot but he’s become engaged to someone else. I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions.

He’s possessive and insecure. He is happy to keep you a dirty secret. He would rather marry a woman he doesn’t like and potentially ruin her life with a loveless relationship than speak honestly about his feelings. Why are you attracted to this man? What on earth do you see in him?

You are talking as if this is a soap opera and you are just hapless puppets. You’re not. You are both adults, you have autonomy but you’re making excuses for his behaviour.

Everything is not “out of his hands”. He’s a grown man and we’re living in 2020, not the Dark Ages. All he has to do to “convey” the message to his fiancée is to say, “You’re a nice girl but I don’t want to marry you.”

I don’t understand why he can’t be open about his relationships. If his family are regular decent folks, they’ll understand. And if they are abusive, weird or controlling, he can leave and make a life for himself. With you, if the two of you get along after you meet in person.

Therefore, my opinion is that this is not the man for you. Also, I hope very much that his poor betrothed discovers his true nature and backs out before she’s stuck with him.

As for your emotions, I’m confused about your needs or thoughts as parts of your letter are contradictory. I strongly suggest you figure out what you want from a partner and a relationship. You may want to consult a therapist so you can talk it through properly.

When you know what you want, date. It’s fine to meet someone online but don’t let stagnation set in. Get out there and be with a man who wants you, is proud to be with you, and who is committed to you.

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Are you suffering from mental health issues or contemplating suicide? Contact the Befrienders service nearest to you. For a full list of numbers and operating hours, go to befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia.