“If I can make a difference simply by offering a hug, it could make a big difference to someone’s life when needed the most.” These are the words of a young man from my home town in Scotland, who started a kindness campaign of giving out free hugs to help raise awareness of suicide prevention.
After the story was picked up by my old newspaper, the Irvine Herald, it gained national attention due to the positive response from many people who warmly welcomed the novel campaign.
I covered some suicide cases for the Herald, and I found those times to be dreadful and dark, as families and communities struggled to come to terms with an unexpected and often unexplained loss. It was difficult to keep my emotions in check when talking to grieving parents who had gone through such a devastation. Although the paper would share resources and information to provide support to those who were affected, or who were struggling themselves, it was difficult to shrug off the sense of helplessness that we could only do so much.
Having since counselled people who feel deeply lost to the point where they see “no point in life”, I find that part of their struggle can stem from feelings of being misunderstood and having no meaningful connections or purpose.
These reactions are sometimes the result of a trauma or other experiences that lead a person to feel isolated and adrift. As someone told me, “I feel like I’m a problem to be solved rather than a human being who’s in pain and needs someone to listen”.
The free hugs campaign is being carried out by a man called Alan Asbury who has never lost someone to suicide himself but was driven to do something following the number of young people lost to suicide over the past few years.
Reading the story reminded me that connecting with others is so crucial to our wellbeing and, although it seems a simple act, stopping to check in with someone, listening and offering them some comfort, can go a long way towards showing people they matter.
Years ago, I first read Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays With Morrie (1997) – I’ve since re-read it several times – a memoir in which Morrie Schwartz, a professor who’s dying from a neurodegenerative disease, teaches his final lessons in life to his former student, Albom.
On connecting with each other, Schwartz makes the point that people take care of us when we’re babies through love, kindness and the instinct to nurture. If we’re lucky to live to old age, people take care of us in a similar way; however, the time in between is often a period when most of us are too busy to offer (and receive) that same support. And yet, we all need it just as much.
When I saw the free hugs story, I wondered how the campaign would be received. Generally, people appear keen to keep to themselves in public. In shopping malls, we rarely make eye contact with each other, let alone smile or offer friendly greetings. But to my surprise, there wasn’t one negative or dismissive comment on social media. It was all positive. It felt good to read a heart-warming story, but at the same time it was sad to think that so many of us are in need of simple affectionate attention.
I can imagine a few might say that such people are soft or “snowflakes”, and yet people who say that are often the ones most in need of a kind word. Those who feel most isolated, alone and misunderstood can become hardened to the idea of being open and vulnerable. It’s a defence that masks their own struggles, suppressing their need for a hug and a reminder of their worth.
Asbury’s kindness campaign offers a reminder that few of us wear our struggles on our sleeves. They tend to be buried deep inside us as we go about our lives, smiling and repeating, “I’m fine” whenever we’re asked, “How are you?”
Although it won’t solve complicated issues, I’m entirely convinced that suicide prevention and helping people through everyday struggles begins with having more conversations and placing less expectations on ourselves and others.
I’ve known wealthy businesspeople who struggle internally, undergraduate students, and even therapists themselves who struggle internally. Loneliness, isolation, stress and depression ... none of these cares who we are and what we have. They visit anyway. To be in need of support isn’t a weakness, it’s what it means to be human.
As my late grandad often said, “It takes a lot of strength and courage to open up to others”. As someone who experienced the Great Depression in the 1930s and World War II in the 1940s, he knew firsthand the importance and power of community.
And as Morrie Schwartz put it, “Be compassionate, and take responsibility for each other. If we only learned those lessons, this world would be so much better a place.”
Those suffering from problems or contemplating suicide can contact the Befrienders service nearest them. For a full list of numbers and operating hours, go to befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia.
Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.
After the story was picked up by my old newspaper, the Irvine Herald, it gained national attention due to the positive response from many people who warmly welcomed the novel campaign.
I covered some suicide cases for the Herald, and I found those times to be dreadful and dark, as families and communities struggled to come to terms with an unexpected and often unexplained loss. It was difficult to keep my emotions in check when talking to grieving parents who had gone through such a devastation. Although the paper would share resources and information to provide support to those who were affected, or who were struggling themselves, it was difficult to shrug off the sense of helplessness that we could only do so much.
Having since counselled people who feel deeply lost to the point where they see “no point in life”, I find that part of their struggle can stem from feelings of being misunderstood and having no meaningful connections or purpose.
These reactions are sometimes the result of a trauma or other experiences that lead a person to feel isolated and adrift. As someone told me, “I feel like I’m a problem to be solved rather than a human being who’s in pain and needs someone to listen”.
The free hugs campaign is being carried out by a man called Alan Asbury who has never lost someone to suicide himself but was driven to do something following the number of young people lost to suicide over the past few years.
Reading the story reminded me that connecting with others is so crucial to our wellbeing and, although it seems a simple act, stopping to check in with someone, listening and offering them some comfort, can go a long way towards showing people they matter.
Years ago, I first read Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays With Morrie (1997) – I’ve since re-read it several times – a memoir in which Morrie Schwartz, a professor who’s dying from a neurodegenerative disease, teaches his final lessons in life to his former student, Albom.
On connecting with each other, Schwartz makes the point that people take care of us when we’re babies through love, kindness and the instinct to nurture. If we’re lucky to live to old age, people take care of us in a similar way; however, the time in between is often a period when most of us are too busy to offer (and receive) that same support. And yet, we all need it just as much.
When I saw the free hugs story, I wondered how the campaign would be received. Generally, people appear keen to keep to themselves in public. In shopping malls, we rarely make eye contact with each other, let alone smile or offer friendly greetings. But to my surprise, there wasn’t one negative or dismissive comment on social media. It was all positive. It felt good to read a heart-warming story, but at the same time it was sad to think that so many of us are in need of simple affectionate attention.
I can imagine a few might say that such people are soft or “snowflakes”, and yet people who say that are often the ones most in need of a kind word. Those who feel most isolated, alone and misunderstood can become hardened to the idea of being open and vulnerable. It’s a defence that masks their own struggles, suppressing their need for a hug and a reminder of their worth.
Asbury’s kindness campaign offers a reminder that few of us wear our struggles on our sleeves. They tend to be buried deep inside us as we go about our lives, smiling and repeating, “I’m fine” whenever we’re asked, “How are you?”
Although it won’t solve complicated issues, I’m entirely convinced that suicide prevention and helping people through everyday struggles begins with having more conversations and placing less expectations on ourselves and others.
I’ve known wealthy businesspeople who struggle internally, undergraduate students, and even therapists themselves who struggle internally. Loneliness, isolation, stress and depression ... none of these cares who we are and what we have. They visit anyway. To be in need of support isn’t a weakness, it’s what it means to be human.
As my late grandad often said, “It takes a lot of strength and courage to open up to others”. As someone who experienced the Great Depression in the 1930s and World War II in the 1940s, he knew firsthand the importance and power of community.
And as Morrie Schwartz put it, “Be compassionate, and take responsibility for each other. If we only learned those lessons, this world would be so much better a place.”
Those suffering from problems or contemplating suicide can contact the Befrienders service nearest them. For a full list of numbers and operating hours, go to befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia.
Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.
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