We are often told to choose our friends wisely, that we do not need to have many friends – only a handful who have proven themselves to be loyal and dependable. A few true friends are worth more than having a hundred whose names we don’t remember.
We are quick sometimes to comment about our friends, but have we ever paused to wonder what our friends think of us? Are we the first person they would go to when they need a shoulder to cry on, seek advice from or hang out with? Are our names included in the guest list for birthday parties or celebrations? Or are we the last ones left on the twin-sharing list for a group trip because no one wants us for their roommate?
And if that happens, we wonder why.
This is not so much about popularity rating as it is a call for an honest look at ourselves. Just as we judge others, fairly or otherwise, others judge us too by our actions and behaviour, whether rightly or wrongly. They make assumptions and draw their own conclusions about us. They may not tell it to us to our face. But if we don’t know why, how can we work on our personality flaws? How can we learn to improve ourselves?
One solution is to ask a very close buddy what she or he truly thinks of us. Or do an honest self-reflection. Do we like who we are? Do we see our shortcomings? Are we prepared to look at ourselves introspectively? Have we ever asked ourselves why we have hardly any friends we can honestly call buddies? Is it because we are choosy? Or are these friends picky about who they let into their inner circle?
For all we know, our flaws could be the very same ones we see in others but can’t see in ourselves!
Is anything familiar?
Where you stand
Here’s a list of common traits that many older persons have that may be off-putting to others. If we recognise any of these in ourselves, it’s time for some serious self-improvement.
The chronic complainer: Nobody likes to be in the company of someone who has nothing to share except complaints. This type of people gripes about everything from A to Z. They have hardly anything good to say about anyone and anything. Practically all that comes out of their mouths are incessant complaints, from high prices to potholes, from noisy neighbours to stray dogs, from the haze to food waste. Their obsession with finding fault in everything leaves a telltale sign on their face. There’s no smile to light up their face, no joie de vivre (joy of living) as they don’t see anything to be cheerful about. Their presence dampens the spirit in any group gathering.
The compulsive hypochondriac: Older persons seem to have a monopoly on talking about their health problems. They don’t need any prompting to trigger off a detailed sharing of all the health issues they are plagued with, from knee pains to hearing difficulty, from backaches to bone loss. One would think their body is on the verge of falling apart! They will happily share their medical history and elaborate on all the medicines and supplements they are taking, and the specialists they are seeing.
Listening to them is depressing. They certainly don’t make good company. Yes, we do experience all kinds of aches and pains as our body ages, but when we complain about every single health issue that we have, that’s when others switch off listening to us.
The long-winded story-teller: This is perhaps the most common of all personality traits. Seniors have accumulated a wealth of experiences over the decades. They have stories to tell that could easily fill volumes if published.
They dominate conversations and assume everyone is listening with interest when in reality their listeners are being polite and trying their best to stifle their yawns. Watch out for tell-tale signs, especially among young listeners. If they nudge one another and roll their eyes, they are saying, “Here we go again”. Older listeners are more polite.
They have mastered the art of pretense. They have developed the ability to look focused and interested but their thoughts could be hundreds of kilometres away daydreaming about an upcoming holiday trip or the buffet lunch awaiting them.
The breaking news reporter: Ah, these are the seniors who probably harboured a childhood ambition of writing for the media. They are the first to share hot-off-the-press news about an impending tsunami about to hit some island, or a scandal involving a well-known public figure. They are not aware that it’s yesterday’s news, and everyone already knows about it.
They are also the ones forwarding posts that have already been forwarded many times. They don’t even read what they forward, or do the research to verify if the news is true or false before sharing it. They may unknowingly be spreading false alarm or smearing an innocent person’s reputation. These self-appointed reporters can be found in many chat groups.
The Mr/Mrs know-it-all: As the name suggests, these older persons claim to know everything and anything that is being discussed. Their point of view is always the correct one, and they will prove it even when no one challenges them to do so. They always have something to say or add to whatever is being discussed, whether it’s about the proposal to raise the retirement age, the efficacy of coconut oil for hair loss or why AI can never totally replace human intelligence. They are eager to offer their point of view, and invariably want to have the last word on every discussion. Be warned not to take their advice seriously, especially when they offer investment tips.
The role models
On the flip side, there are seniors who show us how to win respect from family and friends. Here are some tips to start with.
Keep promises we make. If we say we will be there, make sure we show up. No drummed-up last minute excuses unless it’s really due to unforeseen circumstances. Don’t make it a habit to always be late for anything. No one likes to be kept waiting and wasting their time. It’s also disrespectful.
Learn to read signs of boredom. Avoid being long-winded. Don’t dominate the conversation. Others want to share their views too, and they should be given the opportunity to do so. Be a good listener.
Avoid starting a conversation with “In the good old days” or “During my younger days” especially when chatting with young people. We tend to get carried away with our memories and end up telling stories that not everyone is truly interested in.
Also don’t talk down to others. Our seniority in years doesn’t equate with superiority over others.
Appreciate the gestures of kindness and thoughtfulness from others. Don’t always assume there’s an ulterior motive behind every act of kindness shown to us.
When someone confides in us, respect that confidentiality. Learn to keep the trust others have in us. The fastest way to lose friends is to share their secrets, criticise them behind their backs and indulge in idle gossip because we have time on our hands and nothing better to do.
Why does all this matter? What others think of us matters because we do not live in isolation. Our words, actions and attitudes shape others’ trust in us. If we don’t like what we see in others, make sure others don’t see the same in us. Self-respect is just as important as respect from others.
Ultimately, the aim is to become someone we can respect – and whom others have good reason to respect too.
Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.
