You spend the evening alone on your couch, decline a party invitation, prefer to stay at home instead of going out to a pub or cafe.
Some people withdraw, consciously or unconsciously, from social interactions. Sometimes it’s just a phase that can help you to recharge your social battery. If it’s prolonged, however, it can be harmful to your health.
People naturally need time for themselves, say, after partying or during stressful periods in their lives. It’s perfectly normal to keep to yourself a couple of evenings a week – for a while or regularly – to pursue hobbies or rest, says psychiatrist and psychotherapist Dr Tatjana Reichhart, a mental health and resilience coach.
“If withdrawal is self-chosen and you deliberately use the time for yourself, we wouldn’t call it social withdrawal, but rather ‘me time’ to replenish energy by recharging your mind and body,” remarks Reichhart.
She says it’s problematic, though, if you’re regularly so exhausted after work that you’re neither able to pursue hobbies nor get together with friends, and plop down in front of the TV set instead. “This isn’t quality time and generally won’t restore energy levels.”
There’s another adverse aspect to consider: “Social withdrawal can be an avoidance strategy to steer clear of negative feelings,” says psychologist Klaus Nuyken.
Someone who declines an invitation for fear of being judged (“They’ll surely think I’m dumb”) is acting dysfunctionally. While avoidance tamps down the fear in the short term, the fear remains and grows stronger over time, leading to further impairment of the quality of life.
You can fall into a vicious circle. If you withdraw from social interactions, you don’t receive any positive feedback either. This, Nuyken warns, can reinforce the proclivity to withdraw.
“Social withdrawal is closely linked to mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety disorders, and is typically an illness symptom,” he says.
Avoiding company
In the case of depression, social withdrawal is largely due to the accompanying listlessness and loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities. Avoidance plays the main role in anxiety disorders, but can also result from a traumatic experience or be a symptom of certain personality disorders.
Affected persons usually don’t realise they’re retreating from social engagement at first, and that they’re not doing themselves a favour. “This is why it’s important to reflect,” Reichhart says. “For example, how satisfied and refreshed are you before, and after, an evening alone in front of the TV set?”
Then you can make a mental comparison: How would you feel after spending the evening with a friend or pursuing a hobby?
Resuming social interactions can be particularly difficult if you’ve been avoiding them for a long time. If a mental illness is causing this behaviour, you should seek professional help. Depression should be treated.
If mental illness isn’t the cause, Reichhart advises reviewing your social network: Who’s part of it? Who would you like to get back in touch with? Common interests such as sport can be a good way to re-establish contacts.
She also advises marking firm times in your calendar for social contacts so that they’re not forgotten amid the normal stresses of everyday life.
Taking small steps at a time is the best way to start socialising again. “Instead of going to a party, you could meet up with just one, very familiar person, or you could first send a message,” says Nuyken.
And instead of inviting someone over to your home, you could meet in a cafe. This way you can better control how long the get- together lasts without having to politely show the person the door.
Nuyken also recommends using a technique that’s an element of depression therapy: structure before pleasure. This means, for example, that you resolve to send a message to a longtime acquaintance at 10 am even if you don’t really feel like it.
“It makes positive experiences possible,” Nuyken explains. Waiting until you’re motivated can exacerbate the problem, he says, “because it usually doesn’t happen.”
Something else that can help you to break out of your self-imposed isolation is what Nuyken calls co-existence. By this he means meetings during which you don’t have to talk to each other the whole time – going to the cinema, for instance, “experiencing something together not involving deep conversation.”
No matter how you go about it, it’s important to spend time with others again, says Reichhart, noting that loneliness is a risk factor for many illnesses, and not only mental ones. “We’re social beings, and relationships with other people are our lifeblood.” – dpa
