Millions of mums and dads are forced into shared parenting after separation or divorce. And many of them have no idea how to share nicely.
The result can be co-parenting approaches which aren’t necessarily in the best interests of the children involved, because simply loving your child isn’t always enough, points out Aaron Dale, author of the new book The Co-Parent: A Toolkit For Parenting Together, Apart.
Dale, who was brought up by a single mother and shares parenting of his two sons with their mothers, says: “Despite how common separation and co-parenting have become, many of us enter this journey with very little awareness or understanding of what it requires.”
The dad, a co-parenting adviser who’s also founder of the shared parenting social media platform @raisingboys_2men, says that when he became a co-parent himself, he quickly realised that loving your child wasn’t necessarily enough to make co-parenting work.
“You can have two parents who love their child deeply, want the best for them and yet still struggle with communication and disagreements,” he observes.
Dale, 40, explains that this is exactly why he was “compelled” to write the book, and points out: “I knew the challenges personally and wanted to help co-parents by creating the resource I wish I had when I first started navigating the unpredictable road of co-parenting. Something practical, honest and accessible, rather than something that simply told parents what they should be doing.
“The reality is there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to co-parenting.”
He says that while some separated parents, for example, communicate every day and it works for them, others may communicate only when they need to. Some may have an equal parenting split, while others may have a one month a month schedule that works for them and their child.
But he points out: “Regardless of your circumstances, there’s one thing we should all have in common: the desire to raise a healthy, secure and emotionally well-equipped adult.”
The National Association of Child Contact Centres (NACCC) helps children stay in touch with parents after separation and divorce, and Phil Coleman, the NACCC’s service development manager, stresses that while separation can obviously be challenging for everyone involved, it doesn’t have to define a child’s future.
“One of the most important factors influencing how children adapt is the ability of parents to work together in support of their child’s needs, even when their own relationship has come to an end,” he says.
However, he points out that effective co-parenting is sometimes misunderstood, and explains: “Parents don’t have to be friends, agree on everything or spend time together socially.”
Coleman says NACCC-accredited child contact centres can play an important role in helping families move towards healthier co-parenting, and he adds: “What matters is that parents keep their child at the centre of decisions, communicate respectfully, manage disagreements appropriately and put their child’s wellbeing ahead of unresolved conflict.”
In order to do what’s best for the children of separated parents, Dale suggests these practical ways for them to make better decisions, communicate more effectively and keep their child at the centre of their parenting.
Break-up can be the beginning, not the end
Dale says that although it’s easy to view the end of a relationship as a failure, in some circumstances the break-up can create the opportunity for something healthier.
He points out that a 2015 poll of young people aged 14 to 22 for the family law organisation Resolution found 82% would rather their parents divorced than stayed together unhappily.
In addition, he says research from Direct Line Life Insurance found more than a fifth of parents who would have separated stayed together longer because they had children, with parents staying in relationships for an average of more than five years longer than they otherwise would have.
“These findings clearly challenge the idea that remaining together at all costs is always what’s best for a child,” he says.
“You haven’t failed as a parent simply because your relationship failed. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can give your child isn’t two parents pretending everything’s OK, but two parents learning how to be ok separately.”
Boundaries are protection, not punishment
If the other parent says you can’t call them after a certain time, or they don’t want you entering their personal space, or whatever, your first reaction may be ‘Why are they doing this to me?’, says Dale.
But he uses the analogy of a flower garden surrounded by a fence with a sign saying “No ball games”, and points out: “You don’t look at the fence and think the flowers are being difficult. You understand the fence is there to protect what’s inside.
“Co-parenting requires us to develop the same understanding. A boundary isn’t necessarily an attempt to prevent you from being involved with your child – it may simply be an attempt by the other parent to protect their peace and emotional well-being."
You don’t have to be friends to successfully co-parent
Being friendly with your ex isn’t the definition of successful co-parenting, Dale stresses.
He says separated parents will sometimes put enormous pressure on themselves to recreate the family dynamic they had before the split, perhaps spending the children’s birthdays and Christmas together, etc.
But Dale warns: “Children don’t necessarily need their parents to pretend they’re still a couple. They need parents who can provide them with security, consistency and reassurance. The goal isn’t to recreate your old relationship – the goal is to create a healthy new parenting partnership.”
Your parenting plan is your blueprint
One of the biggest challenges of co-parenting is inconsistency, Dale says. He points out that children thrive when they have structure, routine and predictability, yet many co-parents don’t have a clear plan for how they’re going to manage this.
He says every small decision can become an opportunity for disagreement between the co-parents, but a parenting plan can help prevent that.
This is an agreement between co-parents about how they’re going to manage the practical aspects of raising their child. Dale stresses the plan doesn’t need to be complicated, or remain the same forever, as children’s needs and parents’ circumstances may change.
He advises: “The best time to create structure is usually before you desperately need it. It’s much easier to sit down and agree on arrangements when communication is relatively calm than it is when both parents are angry, hurt and reacting to one another.”
Your child shouldn’t have to carry what belongs to you
Although parents may have strong feelings like hurt, anger and jealousy when their relationship ends, Dale stresses: “Your child shouldn’t have to carry them for you. They shouldn’t become the messenger between two parents. They shouldn’t be asked to choose sides.
“One of the most important parts of co-parenting is learning to separate your experience of the other parent from your child’s experience of them." – PA Media/dpa
