We hear it so often – ageing with dignity. What does it really mean? As our population ages, we come across this phrase every so often in the media, at conferences on healthcare, and in advertisements promoting products for older persons.
Let me share what I have found out from my conversations with the elderly. They are the ones with lived experiences of growing old. What is ageing like for them? How is society treating them? How would they wish to be treated?
The United Nations Human Rights Declaration applies to all, regardless of age. Perhaps more so as older persons are vulnerable to being victimised, given their physical, mental and physiological limitations. Seniors have the right to care, safety, protection, shelter, support, freedom and independence. They have the right to participate in conversations and in decisions that involve them. When these rights are taken away from them, they should protest. They should speak up.
Unfortunately, many prefer not to kick up a fuss, cause friction within the family, or ruffle feathers in the community. They choose to remain silent. By doing so, they are allowing themselves to be discriminated against, exploited and victimised.
The most vulnerable are those with little or no formal education, have limited financial resources and are ignorant about their rights. Wealth gives one power. An honorific title and academic credentials get us a measure of respect and influence. When we have none of these, we get the condescending treatment. Sales staff at premium malls will look at us with disdain, assuming that we are unlikely to purchase anything, judging by our age, our demeanour and the clothes we wear.
Disrespect hurts
It is the daily experience of being ignored, ridiculed and bullied that hurts the most. Take the example of seniors travelling by public transport. On commuter trains, it’s common to see young people seated, busy on their mobile phones ignoring the senior citizen standing right in front of them. The repeated public announcements on the train, appealing to commuters to give up their seats to OKU, pregnant women and senior citizens, usually fall on deaf ears or, more correctly, indifferent ears.
How often too have I seen impatient bus drivers yelling at an elderly for being slow in getting off the bus.
Respect and dignity go hand in hand. When others don’t respect us, does the problem lie with us? Does it reflect negatively on them? The answer is both. Respect starts with ourselves. We can’t expect others to respect us if we don’t respect ourselves. If we feel we are losers, useless, too old, a burden to the family and unable to contribute anything to society, then don’t expect others to respect us.
Ageing is a natural process. There is nothing to be ashamed of or be apologetic about. If we need a helping hand, just ask. Help will be offered. There will come a time when we may need to use a walking aid. There is no need to feel embarrassed to use one. It is not a loss of dignity to use a walking stick, or a wheelchair.
There will also come a time when we may need to wear diapers, or rely on a carer to shower us, feed us. This is not a loss of dignity. Let’s not be a hero. Acknowledge that we do sometimes need help, and accept it graciously when it is offered.
Loss of dignity is when we are not given the right to speak up, to be heard, to make our own decisions. When an elderly parent is left out of family discussions, outings or social functions, it is akin to telling them they don’t fit in or they may be an embarrassment to the family. This is an outright humiliation to the elderly parent. No wonder they feel hurt, even insulted.
Sometimes adult children forget their parents can speak for themselves. After introducing their parents, they completely ignore their parents, giving them no opportunity to join the conversation.
And then there are the jokes that young people crack about older people. They get a bellyful of laughter at our expense. The names they give us are degrading and disparaging – names like dinosaurs and old fogies. Fortunately, there are young people who have been brought up well, who practise what they are taught in religious classes and in Moral Studies in school. Bless them for showing us respect and courtesy.
Be proud of our age
As for us, senior citizens, be proud of our age. Ageing is natural. No one escapes it. Some do so at a slower pace, others more quickly. That’s the difference between biological age and chronological age. It depends primarily on our lifestyle habits. It takes effort to enjoy our retirement in good health.
Looking good involves taking care of ourselves inside out. Looking good gives us self-confidence and earns us respect from others. Looking good should be a stand-alone phrase. It doesn’t need an add-on as in, “You look good for your age”. Looking good doesn’t require lots of money. If that were the case, those in the lower income bracket would have no chance of looking good. We don’t need expensive cosmetics, nip and tuck procedures, or designer clothes. Wearing a smile is free.
Dignity is earned. It takes effort on our part. It starts with feeling good about ourselves, respecting ourselves. What makes us feel good about ourselves? Knowing that we have played our role well as a member of our family, as a member of the community that we serve, and as a loyal citizen of the country. Sounds lofty, perhaps, but we can surely strive towards these goals. The respect, the dignity will naturally follow. It’s all about doing good and feeling good about ourselves. Enough of belittling ourselves because of our age.
Men feel this loss of respect and dignity most when they retire. This is especially the case for those retiring from mid-level to top management positions. Stripped of their designations, they find it hard to adjust to a new phase where they have no work responsibilities, no staff under them to supervise, no secretary to do their bidding. The late Tan Sri Ani Arope expressed this transition period perfectly in his speech to soon-to-retire staff at Guthrie’s in 2009, titled after the popular maxim “A Peacock Today, A Feather Duster Tomorrow”. It aptly describes this period of adjustment to a new role for recently-retired men.
Those unable to adjust opt to spend their days at home rather than go out and be active socially. They avoid the awkwardness of having to answer questions like “So what are you doing now?” or “Which company are you attached to?”
This is less of an issue with women. Indeed, the retirement spells freedom for them to enjoy an active social life. It’s one of the reasons perhaps for their longer life span.
The answer to living our retirement years well is to find meaning and purpose. We know that. We have been told that umpteen times ad nauseum.
But as long as we know but do not act upon it, we will remain enclosed in our cocoon. However, if we are truly happy living out our final years confined to our home away from the madding crowd, it’s fine. So be it. To each his own.
But to the rest of us, let’s live life to the fullest with dignity and respect by being useful and doing the best we can whether as the best grandma to our grandchildren, as a dedicated community volunteer, or as an advocate of a social cause. Choose the role that best suits us, that makes us feel that we are not a burden, that we can still hold our heads up and not make excuses for our age. That is really what ageing with dignity means.
Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.
