Each time my son goes to see his father, I get a phone call telling me there is no food in the house. My son tells me he’s starving. “Dad never feeds us!” He’s 14! He needs to eat.
I don’t want my son to be hungry and since I rarely talk to his dad, I just have something quick like fast food delivered. Then I get angry texts from his dad about how I am interfering! How am I interfering? Our child is hungry. It’s strange because his father loved to cook when we were together. Now he’s such a flake, he never feeds the kids. I don’t know what to do. What’s good ex-etiquette?
I think your son is playing games and that’s just the first red flag I’m going to mention. You see, when co-parents don’t talk, their kids can tell them anything and there’s no way to check if the child is being truthful because the parents don’t talk.
That’s when I hear, “Oh, but my child would never lie.” If your child doesn’t occasionally rearrange the truth to get what he wants or to not get in trouble, he’s the only child since the beginning of time who doesn’t do that. And since you and dad rarely compare notes, how would you know?
Second red flag? If dad loved to cook when you were together, why would he all of a sudden not like to cook? It’s more likely that your son doesn’t like what dad cooked and prefers fast food. Knowing he can work the system, your son calls you and you ordered him a burger. Put yourself in their shoes. What if you were cooking a special meal for the kids and dad sent over fast food because your son just sneaked in the other room and called you?
Would you be angry? Would you feel like dad was undermining your parenting and interfering with your parenting time? It’s not dad’s reaction we should be examining; it’s your son’s. Dad and you have created an environment where your son is running the show and you and dad lash out at one another in reaction to your son’s poor behaviour.
So, what do you do? This is going to take some backtracking and a change in attitude. Dad is not the enemy. You are co-parents and you must learn to compare notes and verify information passed along before judgments are made.
How you present this to your son is critical. When he calls you complaining of not being fed, respond by saying something like, “Really? Dad isn’t feeding you? I’m sure there is some sort of misunderstanding. Let your dad and I discuss it...” And, then when you figure things out, present it to your son as if you and dad are united in your decision: “Your dad and I have discussed it and...”
Your son now knows that his parents talk and you’re working together. As a result, don’t be surprised if you hear, “Never mind” when you suggest a conversation with dad. No more games.
You don’t have to be a couple to raise your children together. That’s good ex-etiquette. – Tribune News Service
Dr Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide To Co-Parenting And Creating Stronger Families.
