Flattery is a bad idea. It is shallow, empty, insincere, and usually comes with an ulterior motive. So it is best forgotten as soon as it is heard lest we get a false sense of accomplishment and diminish ourselves.
But compliments exhort, endorse, and encourage one to reach higher goals. They expand the heart and underscore humanity. We compliment someone when we admire their achievement, progress, special skill or talent.
Compliments come from people who are confident and savvy enough to notice worthy accomplishments. It shows strength of mind in the giver who can turn words into a gift of encouragement, and a spark that illuminates the whole being.
Conversely, those who begrudge the success of others or display the “sour grapes” attitude, are ungenerous, perniciously envious, and unhappy with their own inadequacy.
Bemoaning the success of others is a kind of self-loathing that saps the energy, hardens the heart, and makes it impenetrable to goodness, so that words of praise cannot come through. They will simply miss out on the joy of giving.
A wise leader will not hesitate to praise his followers for a job well done. This promotes camaraderie and teamwork, which further strengthens the company or organisation.
A discerning supervisor who puts in a good word to the boss about a diligent employee, gets heartwarming friendship and lasting loyalty in return.
Similarly, an inspiring teacher who praises her students and is unafraid of doling out compliments to deserving students, encourages those in her charge to study hard and achieve excellent examination results.
When I was nine years old, my form teacher, Miss Tay, wrote in my report card: “A good pupil, neat in her work.”
And I have been neat ever since.
A young lady in her early 30s once told me: “When I grow old, I want to be like you.”
Wow. Having someone wanting to imitate you is the highest form of compliment. I believe the compliment came from the sweetness of her heart because she is a person of integrity and of few words. So I allowed myself to bask in the warmth of her words.
My youngest daughter cooks delicious dishes and I always remember to compliment her. Her dishes are also beautifully presented because of her artistic flair and conscientiousness in doing work. I made sure to let her know that I am pleased with the way she cooks, and her keeping the kitchen clean after cooking.
A refined person does not gossip but may pass on a compliment she heard to the deserving one. Hearing a compliment from a third person is so reassuring that it elevates the moment of human connection.
Call it Asian humility or modesty, Malaysian parents are known to shy away from praising their children when they excel in their studies. They may even downplay achievements, attributing the success to luck. But I believe that a good compliment, or more, for outstanding academic results should be graciously and proudly given to motivate the child to shine further.
We need to learn to accept compliments gratefully and politely. I know a lady who knows how to handle compliments with grace and grit. When someone praises her for looking great in an outfit, she replies with clarity, “Thanks, I think so too.”
A candid, well-groomed relative of mine, practically extracted compliments out of our mouths. Once she asked, “Ladies, what do you think of my new hairstyle?”
She turned her head this way and that and promptly demanded, “So?”
We quickly answered, almost in unison: “Very nice!”
She frowned. “Nice only? What else?”
Sometimes simply asking for more specific comments is an act of bold optimism.
“Gorgeous!”
“Trendy!”
“That’s better!” She smiled and twirled her glamorous, big curls.
She was right. Our choice of words gives meat to the bone of our compliments. Strong compliments make you fly, on the inside.
Where there is excellence, honour it. If you see something praiseworthy, noble, stellar or lovely, do say it out aloud with unrestrained enthusiasm. Spread the good news like fireworks, make it viral, and celebrate with accolades. Multiply someone’s happiness and distinction with goodwill and joy. Give praise – and feel the other person’s excitement. Make the joy of the celebration infectious.
Compliments come from a place of kindness and love. In your heart, do practise to see the good among the hard stuff. We are all wired for connection. Where there’s been whining and griping, may you string good words to bless others with. We can always find an attribute, personality trait or aptitude that is commendable.
US writer William Arthur Ward put it most beautifully: “When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.”
All mothers have their self-doubts when it comes to raising children. Hearing someone say that you’re doing it right can give a frazzled mother strength and confidence to carry on.
Compliments can be a source of joy that spurs you on. As communication and relationship expert Rachel DeAlto asserts, “Compliments create positive energy! And like gifts, giving them can benefit the giver as well as the recipient.”
It was really heartening when Malaysian badminton fans praised Ng Tze Yong when he defeated Olympic champion Viktor Axelson in the recent All England Badminton tournament. He was a dark horse in the game but he stunned everyone with his victory. Never mind that he lost to the Chinese player Li Shi Feng the next day. In our mind, he is a dragon slayer and I believe the experience of that victory will propel him to greater achievements in future tournaments.
That’s what compliments do – make us stand taller, walk faster, dream big, and feel more alive.
Mary Eu is a retiree who has a passion for writing. When she is not prowling the shopping mall looking for a dress to scream into, she can be seen reading, writing or home decorating.
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