Stop criticising yourself so much and learn some self-love instead

While it’s important to take responsibility for what we do, it’s just as important to remind ourselves that we’re all trying to figure out how to live well and, at the same time, we all slip up along the way more times than we can count. — maxpixel.com

I recently had the privilege of interviewing a Buddhist monk on why we find it so easy to be self-critical to the point where it can feel like second nature.

Ajahn Brahmali lives in the Bodhinyana monastery in Perth, Australia, and, pre-Covid-19, would give talks here in Malaysia that frequently focused on kindness and mindfulness.

As we talked about self-compassion, an important point he made is that how we behave is influenced by many conditions and causes and influences working together over time. That’s not to say that we aren’t responsible for our choices or that there should be no accountability, but there’s often this idea that we are completely in control of how we see the world, react, and behave, as if we should always get things right. And when we don’t get it right, we feel there’s something wrong with us.

I asked Ajahn Brahmali how we can distinguish between taking accountability for our choices while stopping short of being excessive in our self-criticism. I was particularly interested in the difference between “wise” and “foolish” shame, which was explored in a talk I had attended some years ago.

“I think wise shame is essentially just conscience,” he said.

“It is the knowledge and feeling that you have done something wrong. But it is focused on the act rather than the person. I suppose it is shameful in the sense that we often feel embarrassed about such actions.

“This kind of shame is one of the guardians that stops us from behaving badly. Seen in this light, it becomes a causal factor for the practice of morality. It helps us avoid regret, which hinders the development of good qualities.”

Another essential point made by Ajahn Brahmali is that when we lack mindfulness, the mind has a tendency not only to wander back into the past or into the future, but can also lead us to define ourselves by our past actions.

For example, to this day, I still feel bad about myself when I think of the time (when I was nine years old) I sneakily ate some party food long before the guests arrived and blamed it on one of our dogs. In my defence, our German shepherd was a wonderful dog, so I knew my mum would be much more lenient with him than she would with me! I gave him snacks later to make up for throwing him under the bus.

Of course, we all do things we’re not proud of and, hopefully, we try our best to do better next time and to learn from the mistakes and choices we make.

As Ajahn Brahmali reminds us, we always exist from this point on – we can’t change what’s already been and gone. He added, “I suppose self-compassion reminds us of the bigger picture. We are not to be identified with individual acts. We do bad things, but we are never bad people.

“In fact, the idea of non-self in Buddhism also supports this outlook. If we can combine the seeing of this bigger picture with an appreciation of our own conditioning, expressing itself as being trapped by habits, then self-compassion should be possible.”

Dr Christopher Germer is a clinical psychologist and lecturer based at Harvard Medical School in the United States, and one of the pioneers of self-compassion research along with Dr Kristin Neff. He makes a brilliant distinction between feelings of guilt and shame: On the one hand, guilt (“wise shame”) recognises that we’ve done something wrong and we likely wish to make amends; on the other hand, shame as we tend to feel it in the self-critical sense makes us feel as if there’s something wrong with us, that we’re an entirely bad person.

While some constructive self-criticism can be helpful, when it becomes chronic it can increase the risk of low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and feelings of being worthless. Too much self-criticism can also leave us feeling isolated and alone, feeling like we’re undeserving of loving relationships.

In her book, The Force of Kindness (2005), meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg writes, “We need the courage to learn from our past and not live in it”.

It’s easy to get caught up in our past and define ourselves by it, but that just leaves us feeling miserable and unable to see the bigger picture.

While it’s important to take responsibility for what we do, it’s just as important to remind ourselves that we’re all trying to figure out how to live well and, at the same time, we all slip up along the way more times than we can count.

Learning to let go of excessive self-criticism is important because, in doing so, we begin to see that we aren’t bad or broken, but that within us is the universal desire to belong.

This in itself can be an uncomfortable realisation, but it’s one that can start us on the path to having a better relationship with ourselves and enjoy deeper relationships with others as we turn away from judging and move instead toward acceptance and connection.

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Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email [e-mail]. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.