Over the past few weeks there have been strongly divided opinions over the now infamous Oscars moment involving actor Will Smith and comedian Chris Rock. Unless you’ve been meditating in the mountains, you’ll know that Smith slapped Rock after the latter made a joke about Smith’s wife as he hosted the 94th Academy Awards on March 27, 2022.
Since then, countless views about the incident have flooded traditional and online media, with writers and observers keen to offer their insights on what happened and at whose feet the blame lies for the unfortunate situation.
Was it Chris Rock’s fault for making what many have called an insensitive joke that appeared to involve Jada Pinkett-Smith’s struggles with alopecia (an autoimmune disorder that causes a person’s hair to fall out)? Or perhaps the blame lies with Smith who, according to others, had no excuse for assaulting the comedian. As one online commentator observed, “We teach our kids they can’t hit people just because someone says something they don’t like. Smith should know better.”
As the incident continues to divide opinion on where the blame lies and what made Smith react in the manner he did, in a recent radio interview in Malaysia, clinical psychologist Dr Chua Sook Ning looked at the incident from a different perspective. The founder of Relate Mental Health Malaysia explained that, when it comes to anger, we’re typically not taught how to understand and deal with it effectively, despite it being one of the more primal human emotions.
She added that, “just saying don’t be angry” doesn’t work, because – like all emotions – anger arises for a reason. The key to harnessing emotions in a healthy manner is to understand what they’re trying to tell us rather than striving to get rid of them or believing difficult emotions to be “bad.”
Talking to StarLifestyle, she offered five key points in dealing with anger that can help us understand it and know how to handle it before it lands us in trouble, as it did Will Smith, who was subsequently handed a 10-year ban from attending the Academy Awards.
To deal with anger and other strong emotions effectively, Dr Chua advises to keep the following pointers in mind:
“Anxiety tells us there might be danger ahead; sadness tells us there has been an important loss. When it comes to anger, it tells us we’ve experienced some violation or injustice. If we can learn to understand what our emotions are trying to tell us, we’re better placed to manage them and act constructively rather than destructively.”
“All humans have patterns of being in the world. When you go to a coffee shop, you expect the interactions with staff to go a certain way. When you attend work or class, you have a sense of how things should go. When we become angry, it’s usually the case that someone has broken a ‘should’ rule that’s important to us. For example, people should respect me and my family, or people should not humiliate me.”
“To start with, it’s helpful to practise accepting that we can’t always predict or control people’s behaviour – but we can control how we respond. Secondly, whenever something angers you, see if you can take a moment and pause before you do respond. If you can catch yourself and slow down by, for example, taking a few deep breaths and thinking through the consequences of what you’re about to do, you’ll likely be able to de-escalate potentially destructive behaviour.”
“This is helpful to do regardless of the emotional state you’re in because it will serve as a helpful reminder in stressful situations. Thinking about how you want to be as a person and what qualities matter to you will help keep your behaviours in line with your values, even when others say or do something you find stressful or unpleasant.”
“The previous point doesn’t mean that you should silence yourself. If you’re feeling angry, consider whether the strength of feeling is proportionate to the situation. If it is, consider your options. How can you resolve the issue in a way that’s not destructive and remains in line with your values?”
Of course, reading tips on how to deal with anger is easier to appreciate when we’re in a fairly calm emotional state. As Dr Chua reminds us, “Humans are complex and we behave in all kinds of ways for all sorts of reasons – there are no simple answers.
“While it can be easy to judge others, we should remember that each of us are capable of acting in destructive ways under stressful and difficult circumstances. With that in mind, it’s healthier for us to think about what we can learn from a behaviour or situation rather than judge the person who acts in a destructive manner.”
Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.
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