OVER the past few weeks, I’ve received some questions about how to deal with family conflict, in particular between parents and adult children. As any therapist will say, it’s difficult to give general guidance for unique and often complex problems. How conflict shows up in one family will be very different to how it shows up in others.
One message I was sent focused mainly on what keeps a conflict going, and how to “break free” from repeated patterns. As I thought about this, I contacted Ajahn (Thai for teacher or master) Brahmali, a senior Buddhist monk in Perth, Australia, to seek his guidance on what people can do to address conflict within the family.
In my experience as a counsellor, part of the tension between family members is the challenge of seeing past our own perspective. Whether it’s the child or the parent who feels offended, it’s hard not to double-down on justifying or trying to make the other person see why we behave the way we do.
Working with couples, I notice that underlying the anger is often pain or sadness that feels more difficult to bear than what’s showing on the surface. Much of the work is gradually slowing down the tendency to justify and defend, so that each person can understand where the other is coming from, and recognise there is – more often than not – a desire for connection.
But still, we all have the tendency to protect ourselves from pain and sadness, however we go about it. So it can be difficult to move away from trying to convince the other person that they “just don’t understand”.
Ajahn Brahmali and I discussed a core teaching found in many major religions, namely the call to honour parents. In Buddhist teachings, the Buddha is quite clear on this. He suggested that, even if we were to carry our parents around on our shoulders for 100 years, we still wouldn’t pay the debt of gratitude we owe them.
I asked Ajahn Brahmali how we might reconcile this in the case where people have legitimate reason to disagree with the parents, or where conflict is consistent.
He said, “We need to understand that our parents are trapped in their own suffering. Bad actions are often the outcome of suffering. It’s hard to do the right thing when life is difficult.
“Often, the suffering is invisible, but we can be sure that it is there behind the surface. By acknowledging this we can move towards compassion and gradually towards forgiveness. But we need to keep contemplating for the forgiveness to get deeper over time.”
Ajahn Brahmali went on to share that forgiveness is something people can find difficult, but that it is not something that gives the other person a “free pass”.
In the case where parents have behaved unhelpfully, he said, “They will have to deal with their own guilt and the consequences of their actions. It is not our job to ensure they get their just desserts.
"We can leave this to nature. If we try to do nature’s job, we just end up hurting ourselves, which is the exact opposite of what we should do. Gradually, we learn the powerful mental qualities of compassion and even love. So forgiving is a win-win strategy.”
Asked if he had any advice for parents on handling conflict with their children, Ajahn Brahmali advised that accepting people for who they are is the key: “From a Buddhist point of view, children come with an already existing personality. The habits they have are likely to be deeply rooted, which means we can only do so much to change who they are.
"With the right kind of reflection, we can recognise that we have to accept them for who they are. This is, I think, one of the highest forms of love, allowing others to be who they are.”
Ajahn Brahmali also suggested that parents and children “ask forgiveness of each other”, which can be a powerful way to stop the cycle of going over the same ground – something that can continue for years.
When I work with couples, it can feel like there’s a constant recycling of old wounds from things said and done. Left unattended, this pattern can repeat itself endlessly without relief. It’s often the case that we prefer the other to change while we remain the same.
However, when we’re caught up in this “I’m right, you’re wrong” tussle, all it does is cause suffering to those involved and weaken a cherished connection.
As Ajahn Brahmali summed up, “Although we may never agree on exactly what happened in the past, we can probably all agree that we have not been perfect, and that we have hurt others.
“This can become the basis for mutual forgiveness. By accepting one another’s humanity, and by better understanding the human condition, we can go a long way towards resolving the wounds of the past.”
