Alicia Williams has had some rough dating experiences.
The 29-year-old mum of two dated a guy who claimed he was divorced, even presenting her with papers to prove it. It turns out they were fake because, after Williams searched social media and public records, she discovered he was still married.
“He was telling me he wants to build with me. FaceTiming me every night,” the Aurora, Illinois-based aesthetician in Chicago, the United States, recalled. “I was completely lied to.”
Marriage is Williams’ goal, but given her less-than-stellar romantic history and dating app fatigue, a client suggested she reach Matchmakers Elite, a service with offices in Oak Brook.
“Tired of doing everything” on her own, Williams gave it a try.
It’s been over two months, and things are going well with one particular man, Williams said.
Matchmaking may be old-school, but these days its clientele is skewing younger and more diverse.
“When they meet through someone they already trust, like their matchmaker, it helps overcome judgments and allows
people of all backgrounds a chance at a real connection,” said Anna Rigali, senior matchmaker at Matchmakers Elite.
The matchmaking group sends her different pictures and descriptions of potential mates. Clients choose who they want to engage with, and their matchmaker checks in with both parties before and after dates to make sure things are going well or if a pivot is needed.
Studies show the online dating space is less welcoming for Black women willing to try it – experiences include misogynoir, racial fetishes and microaggressions, in addition to biased dating app algorithms that leave many feeling invisible, less desirable and lonely.
Pew Research Center data shows nearly half of American Black adults have never been married. Within the Black community, men are more likely to be married than women, and Black women are more likely than Black men to be divorced, separated or widowed.
People in big cities are finding that dating apps are no longer serving them, regardless of their educational background, ethnicity, religion or income, which is giving matchmakers their moment, according to Erika Kaplan, vice president of membership for the Austin, Texas-based matchmaking firm Three Day Rule. Business has ticked up “significantly” over the past couple of years, she said.
“We have a really diverse client base in all of our metro areas,” she said, adding that singles of all backgrounds, and certainly people of colour, feel supported by the services a matchmaker provides.
“Because data would say that dating in certain ethnicities is harder than others. We hear it all the time.”
When Kaplan’s clients turn to Three Day Rule, they are in their mid- to late 20s and feeling burned out, but still optimistic.
“I think that’s because they’re more protective of their time and energy,” she said. “They’re seeking matchmaking to (date) in a more direct way, or as I refer to it ‘ready to take the direct route instead of the scenic route’.”
As the founder and lead matchmaker at Matchmakers Elite, Lisa Galos agreed that matchmaking is skewing younger. Parents have called her, saying: “Can you help my son, my daughter?”
A matchmaker’s role is to meet people face to face to ask the questions most clients would like the answers to but don’t have the time or guts to ask, Kaplan said, from relationship goals, history and their individual values.
Call them consultants or “the friend in the middle”, matchmakers go beyond dating app questionnaires and work through the instant gratification of the online dating scene.
Galos’ role is to do the heavy lifting for people seeking romantic connections and make them feel supported on their quest for “Mr and Ms Right”, she said.
“We talk to people on the human level, so it feels like there’s someone who has your back. It’s not like you’re doing this alone,” Galos said.
She also brings her clients “back to reality”, helping them look beyond the airbrushed, filtered images they are fed on dating apps and social media.
“With the Internet ... they get used to that, there’s expectations,” Galos said. “If you see something long enough, that’s your normal and that’s not how the real world is. Their arousal centres are distorted. It’s really interesting how men’s desire has changed because of what they’ve been exposed to, and women as well.”
Despite the inequities and disparities in marriage and dating for Black and brown people, there’s hope, according to TeraKesha Hammond, a Chatham-based licensed clinical professional counsellor.
One avenue is matchmakers, she said, who help individuals ensure their values and relationship goals align.
“Turning to what we would call nontraditional pathways for finding love can eliminate people’s relational burnout,” Hammond said.
Naperville resident Dana Davenport agrees.
She and her fiance were brought together by two matchmakers in two different states – Galos at Matchmakers Elite and Trenia Norford at Weston, Florida-based Connectricity.
Now Davenport and her fiance, both Black divorcees with two children each, have been together for four years. They’ve picked out rings, and she’s being fitted for her wedding gown.
“I’ve been fairly successful in relationship building, but it never panned out in my love life,” Davenport said. “I was on Bumble and Hinge, had two long-term relationships, one on each of those apps. But I’m a fan of if what you’re doing on your own isn’t working, mix it up.”
Trained in the Gottman Method, an evidence-based couples therapy approach, Hammond, the counsellor, said growing one’s emotional intelligence, dealing with past trauma and becoming the best version of oneself matter when it comes to relationships.
“Once you find it and you align, the relationship is not going to sustain itself ... you still have to have the relational skillset to be able to sustain it,” she said.
Matchmakers Elite starts at US$2,500 (RM9,895) for unlimited matches for a year. Three Day Rule costs US$16,500 (RM65,300) a year. (Their app is US$25/RM99 a month.)
The services provided include background checks, date coaching/advising and group singles events where potential dates can meet others, both inside and outside the matchmaking company.
Galos said her company (founded and family-owned since 1983) coordinates with matchmakers across the nation and around the globe to ensure options and opportunities are plentiful. While there is no guarantee for love, “the guarantee is we’re gonna keep working with you until you’re satisfied”, according to Jamie Anton, Galos’ son.
“We have nursing students, single parents ... we work with them so that we can accomplish it,” Galos said.
“I think a lot of people have this idea in their head of what their perfect person looks like,” said Rigali, Galos’ daughter.
“We do a good job of getting people to look at people as human beings ... past the superficial. Yes, you have deal-breakers, but there’s a lot more that goes into the matchmaking process, and that’s really why and where the apps fail. We work with our clients, put them in a good headspace to keep them open-minded to trust us and the process.”
Williams is excited to try something new and to form a strong connection with someone.
“I just want to make sure I’m on the right path,” she said. – Chicago Tribune/Tribune News Service
