One of the toughest things to go through as an adult is helping your parents as they get older.
Life is finite, and both you and your parents might be reluctant to talk about what type of support they might need.
But as difficult as these conversations can be, it’s important to make time for them. Eldercare attorney Harry Margolis recommends age 75 as the best time to start talking to your parents about finances and caregiving issues.
From my personal experience as well as discussions with ageing experts, here’s what I suggest adult children talk with their parents about and how to help them. I’ve included insights from several guests on episodes of The Long View podcast.
“If I had to do it all over again, I would have had conversations with (my mum) sooner about her finances,” author and journalist Cameron Huddleston said.
Our parents don’t want to be a burden, and it may seem like everything is fine, but appearances can be deceiving. Gently ask how they’re managing their bills: Are they paying on time, do they have enough money?
Then keep going with questions about income. Are they getting distributions from retirement funds or relying on Social Security and a pension? Do they have investments? They may not want to share all the paperwork, but you can ask them to put it someplace safe for you to access in case of emergency.
“If you die without a will... family members get into fighting over who gets what,” Huddleston says.
That’s why a will and a durable power of attorney are important. Even if there’s a will, though, beneficiary designations on various accounts can override it. If those are out of date, money could go to a place the parent didn’t ultimately intend.
Making medical decisions
Don’t overlook a healthcare power of attorney (or healthcare surrogate or healthcare proxy), which is someone who can make medical decisions if your parent can’t.
An advance directive (often called a living will) specifies what sort of end-of-life care they want. Then “family knows what your wishes are so they don’t end up in court fighting over whether to keep you on life support,” Huddleston says.
And finally, ask about your parents’ wishes for a burial, cremation, or memorial service, and whether they may have already bought a cemetery plot.
Here’s what this all boils down to, elder law attorney Sally Balch Hurme says, “Your family really can’t carry out your wishes if they don’t know what they are. They want to do the right thing. So don’t make them guess about it.”
A 2024 survey from nonprofit organisation AARP shows that the majority of older adults want to stay in their homes as long as possible.
As people age, though, it can be difficult, especially if they’re far from the rest of the family. Can your parents still climb the stairs? Can they safely maintain a big yard? Let them know there are benefits for both of you: They could help you by handling the occasional school pickup, and they might get a health boost from interacting with grandkids.
Your loved ones may not be open to these tricky conversations the first time around, but raise the issue gently again, making sure they know how much you care. – Morningstar/AP
Amy C. Arnott is a portfolio strategist for Morningstar and co-host of The Long View podcast.
